i'm so tired of church hunting i might implode.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmXfWqaJevg

one of the main reasons i love my job

i love the people i work with. absolutely love them. was it hobbitsister who asked if i work in 'the office'? a place where we have more fun than we actually work? because yes, i just might. this was my twitter status yesterday, and no, it was not based on a dream:
"as i was wielding glamdring against some game of thrones sword,legolas shot my adversary in the head so he died.nothing beats the fellowship"
because, naturally, i had to go into another office yesterday to ask Thing 5 something. she is in the midst of a rubber band war with one of her new officemates. to defend myself from him, as i had to walk between them, i brought a huge stick which we found in my office when we moved in. he whipped out a yard stick. i told him that glamdring (gandalf's sword) could totally beat his, which he then proceeded to name ice, which apparently is a game of thrones sword. we were then at a bit of a stand-off, as we argued over which sword is more powerful. and then Thing 5 shot him in the middle of the forehead with a rubber band, so he had to die, while i meanly cackled that legolas had my back.
this is the environment in which i work. 
which is why i've checked my email a few times last night and today, looking for love from people. i've gotten a few emails, and i ran into Thing 5 on there as she and i both worked a little today since we ducked out of work early yesterday to go to happy hour. and now tonight, as i was thinking i was pathetic for checking my work email to see if anyone loved me, i ran into angie on there, and she was so excited to see me because she's been home alone all day, and she said she was so excited to here the *bing!* of a chat. 'and i missed you!' 
good grief. i love these people.

seriously journalists?

NFL player Marshawn Lynch was fined recently for refusing to speak to the media after a game. So, to make a point, he stuck around this time and pretty much answered every question with 'yeah.' (In his defense, these questions are always stupid, because they prompt the same answers. I've seen it with baseball: 'I just didn't have my best stuff today.' 'We've had a tough stretch, but you know, tomorrow's a new day.' 'My team deserves the credit for my no-hitter - without their great fielding it wouldn't have been possible.' blah blah blah)
Anyway, so about a minute into this media dealie of him saying 'yeah,' he randomly says a few sentences about a fundraiser dinner he'll be taking part in to help raise money for a youth center. Then he goes back to his 'yeah's.
Okay, I know these are sports reporters and they have certain questions they ask and specific questions planned. But not one of them thought, 'Hey, we're not getting anywhere talking football, but he did talk about the youth center. Maybe I should try running with that and see if I can get a few more words out of him.' Then said journalist could write an article saying, 'Marshawn didn't care to talk football, but he was happy to talk about a cause that was important to him. The such and such foundation is raising money for a youth center, which Marshawn cares about because...'
Makes for a much better soundbite than 'yeah.'

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000433407/article/marshawn-lynch-is-a-man-of-few-words

the sermon today

the sermon today was on when GOD says 'no.'
and i'm very much feeling that the reason i needed to tell GOD what i want when i was on my prayer retreat was to get past it, to clear the air. unless and until GOD shows me otherwise, i'm thinking that being single is to be my state. what i want? no. but i get the feeling that this husband prayer's answer is a 'no.' and as HE knows best, and i'm tired of frustration and tears, i think the sooner i accept this the better.
and so that's that.

my friend and i know how to get crazy

i like that my friend and i decided to go on a road trip (to cardiff), simply because we can't handle the abuse some of the books are taking at their llyfrgell (library).

church #8

i chose this church because they were still collecting shoeboxes. not really sure what to say about it. the sermon was good, but i don't think this one was it. i don't know, i'm sure they're a fine church. maybe they just felt too suburban to me. also, i didn't see any ministries on their website other than small groups and a gluten-free cooking club. not what i'm looking for if i want a place to serve.

from "The Newcomes," by William Makepeace Thackeray

[after saying that one of the characters would like her nephew better if he had a title:]

"You toss down the page with scorn, and say, 'It is not true. Human nature is not so bad as this cynic would have it to be. You would make no difference between the rich and the poor.' Be it so. You would not. But own that your next-door neighbor would. Nor is this, dear madam, addressed to you; no, no, we are not so rude as to talk about you to your face; but if we may not speak of the lady who has just left the room, what is to become of conversation and society?"

Book Review: "War in Heaven," by Charles Williams

Charles Williams was an Inkling. And J.R.R. Tolkien was not a fan. A lot of it had to do with C.S. Lewis's affinity for Williams (Tolkien felt like he lost his best friend), but he also did not agree with Charles Williams' religious beliefs (which is part of why he couldn't just be good friends with the both of them). Knowing that Tolkien was such good friends with Lewis despite their doctrinal differences, Tolkien's complete dislike of Charles Williams, who professed to be a Christian, on religious grounds had to be something more. And so I was curious going into "War in Heaven."
I come away from it feeling that Tolkien was completely justified in his skepticism and dislike.
Ick. The basic premise of the story is that some satanists are trying to get a hold of the Holy Grail for their own dark purposes. I did not like the descriptions Williams gave of their rituals. It made me uncomfortable that he would know or imagine so much about it. As Elrond says in 'FOTR', "It is perilous to study too deeply the arts of the Enemy, for good or for ill." Looking into that stuff opens your mind to it. Not wise.
I kept reading, though, just skimming those parts to see if there was anything I needed to know for the story. The last one, though. Ick. I did not like it at all. I skipped it. It was evil. And the "Christian" conclusion wasn't any better. It felt another kind of evil, like 'The Shack.' It felt like the whole thing should not and could not have been written by a Christian, for any reason. Icky, icky.
So that's my review. Icky. Skip it. And I'll skip all his others.

church #7

there were many things i liked about this church. the greeter was friendly but not obnoxious, it's small, the music wasn't loud, they shared prayer requests and praises during the service which seemed to demonstrate a sense of community, they seemed to have things in place to reach out to their outside community, and they have a narcotics anonymous program.
but then the preacher started preaching, and while i feel like he could have potential, he seems far too political to me. the pulpit is not the place for that. and so that squashed that idea.

church search

someone needs to create a website that allows people who are looking for a church to sort by what ministries a church has/is involved with. just a thought.

my prayer retreat - pt. 2b (as in read pt. 2 first)

a couple weeks before my retreat i got to wondering if the desire to be married is my thorn in the flesh. i believe there's a difference between that and your regular accepting when GOD says no. the latter is the struggle to accept, while the former is the acceptance of the struggle. i've thought before that perhaps GOD is saying no to that request, and once i accept that i can move on. but i started to believe that perhaps that's not it. perhaps it is impossible that that desire will go away. perhaps it will never ever get easier. GOD's power is made perfect in weakness, and perhaps this is the weakness that HE's allowing me to have in order that i cannot claim any of the credit for my acceptance of HIS no. 'it became so much easier, once i decided to accept HIS will.' did you notice the 'i' there? once i decided? perhaps i need to accept that this is a struggle i will always have as it forces my dependence on HIM, forces me to keep HIM at the forefront of my thoughts. for certain personal reasons that i won't get into, this idea made sense.
and so i was prepared to go about accepting this thorn.
but then this deep spiritual friend had me pray this bartimeaus thing. which of course, got me wondering again the whole thorn in the flesh vs. persistent widow thing. which of course turns into a huge thought discussion of praying believingly vs. telling GOD what to do vs. accepting that however HE answers is the right answer. and it goes round and round and i realize how much i don't understand prayer, which in turns makes me think of how much i don't understand GOD, and it's just this spiral of confusion. thankfully my faith doesn't hinge on this, i don't feel like i have to have it figured out, but i sometimes wonder what my faith would be like if i could figure out a little bit (i know we'll never have it figured out this side of heaven). and so it goes til my mind is in a jumble and i stop thinking about it all together and go back to where i was before i started thinking all this, not satisfied with the lack of an answer, but unsure of whether or not there even is an answer anyway, and trying not to be frustrated with GOD about the whole thing.
i don't know. like i said, it's something i'll never have figured out. but once in awhile i think a little clarity would be nice.

my prayer retreat - pt. 2 - warning: long

i guess there was something on my last day there. something that once again got my head spinning. something that i'll never have figured out.
one of my friends, when i asked for prayer requests gave me this one: "that Christ would make Melilot Brandybuck more and more like Bartimaeus in Mark 10: instead of asking Jesus what he wants Melilot Brandybuck to do for him, letting him ask Melilot Brandybuck "What do you want me to do for you?"
it irritated me immensely. i knew my friend was being nice, and i appreciated it, but it still irritated me. GOD knows what i want. i've asked for the same things for years. did this friend think i haven't? what does that even mean? "pray that you will tell GOD what you want"? what kind of weird prayer request is that? and so i ignored it, simply telling GOD, 'YOU know what i want. i want to want to read my Bible. i want to want to pray. i want to have a great passion for YOU....and YOU know i want a husband, but really, i know that doesn't matter, so that's okay.'
then, after a couple days, knowing that this friend is a deep spiritual thinker, i thought, 'okay. maybe i'm being too superficial and not digging far enough. and so i opened my Bible and found bartimeaus. and saw that he did not ask for anything spiritual. he had a physical need/desire and asked for that. now, i'm not comparing my singleness to his blindness. his blindness was far more of an obstacle (especially in that culture) than anything i've experienced. but it was not something he needed spiritually. and so i decided that this is something i could ask, knowing that HE cares about my desires.

BUT!...this is where it gets confusing
(and to break up the long, i'll make a pt. 2b)

my friend's status

[ella is 5ish]

Ella came in to the living room and picked up the laptop.
Me: where you going with the computer, sis?
Her: I am just going to do some online dating.
She is now banned from touching the computer. Forever.

prayer request

i have posts in my head, but my eyes have been sore lately (probably too much computer time - 10hrs/day probably isn't the best for you) and i've been sleepy with never time to sleep. 
so instead of doing the long-ish ones i have in my head right now, i'm just quick gonna ask for prayer. been feeling single lately, for various reasons. i'm not gonna ask that you pray that i 'be given the strength to rely on GOD' or 'remember that GOD is the ONE who truly fulfills that desire' or 'know that i am complete as i am' or any such nonsense. those are all ways of saying 'pray that i think about it in a nice way.' i don't want that. i want to not think about it at all. so please pray that i won't dwell on it, that there won't be things around me that bring it to mind - those kinds of things instead. thank you.

hehe :)

"I have no issue with people who have let themselves go, it’s the people who have let themselves stay that bother me." - Sixth Form Poet

my prayer retreat

not what it's been in the past. i felt no connection to GOD whatsoever. the first evening and following day, i neither prayed, nor read the Bible, nor just sat enjoying GOD's creation either on the trails or on my porch. i had brought a book by thomas merton and the catechism with me, so i read those just for something to do. mostly i felt nothing, not even frustration of not feeling anything. i suppose a bit of annoyance that i was paying for it, but that's all. that night, yes, i prayed for all the requests that had been sent my direction, and i did again the next night, and that was good. and between that second full day and my final morning there i read the book of luke (though i finished with a bit of a rush, not really meditating on it at all, because i wanted to finish before i left). that was all. i did, however, at the end there feel like GOD was telling me not to go back until HE tells me to; that i had needed it in the past, but don't right now, and i shouldn't force it.
so basically that was that.