also

i'm terrible at having quiet times in any way, shape, or form. they probably happen about twice a month. one excuse after another, it just doesn't happen. it's not part of my routine.
i have thought before, though, about how nice it is to start the day focusing on God. i know that that will never happen on my own, but i so enjoyed starting my days with worship on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur in grad school and with mass in england. it felt so good. i've kind of looked at daily mass times at different churches around here before, but after talking with my diana tonight i felt i should consider it more seriously. i found a church about five minutes from my work that has mass from 8-8:30 m-w-f. i'm considering trying it. i think it could be good for me. it's not outlandishly early for a work day and it would keep me accountable to somehow having some God time during my week. i'm going to say right here that i'm going to go this friday, just so i'll be accountable to this being accountable thing. please ask me about it and get after me if i don't!

so it seems the general consensus is...

that i should get up early on sunday mornings.

one person: we're spoiled and entitled
second person: you're saying sleep is more important than God
third person: sometimes we need discipline and maybe this is how you have to learn it

i'm considering not having friends and family anymore. they say mean things like 8:30.

True love:

"Mine own heartily beloved Cousin Katherine, I recommend me unto you with all the inwardness of my heart. And now lately ye shall understand that I received a token from you, the which was and is to me right heartily welcome, and with glad will I receive it; and over that I had a letter from Holake, your gentle squire, by the which I understand right well that ye be in good health of body, and merry at heart.

"...And if ye would be a good eater of your meat always, that ye might wax and grow fast to be a woman ye should make me the gladdest man of the world, by my troth...I pray you, my own sweet cousin even as you love me, to be happy and to eat your meat like a woman. And if you do so for my love, look what you will desire of me, whatsoever it may be, and by my troth I promise you by the help of our Lord to perform it to my power."

- from a medieval love letter

the results of my dr appt yesterday

i have hereditary hair loss. on the plus side, that means it's not something worse, on the minus side, that means that there's really nothing they can do. and so, at (not quite) 35, i am now a rogaine user. so embarrassing. but hopefully worth it.
tonight was my first go at it. it doesn't feel itchy or anything, but i feel like i've been kind of scratching my head some. (probably not more than usual, i'm probably just more aware of it.) hopefully i don't end up with a hairy pointer finger.

church today

i went to church today, and it was fine. it was a huge struggle to get there (such that i didn't go to the one i was planning on because first i was running [i think slightly purposely] a little late, then i sat in my car wondering if i really wanted to do this). i chose a church that i had been to before that i knew would be mellow. i also knew the preaching wouldn't be fabulous, but i didn't care. i knew i needed to go to church and i knew i couldn't handle a louder one. i'm glad i went. this probably isn't the church for me, but i may go for a few weeks just to convince myself again that i can.
i know i sound over-dramatic, but this has become a legitimate struggle for me. so we'll see how this goes, because i don't know what else to do.

church

i have to go to church tomorrow. i haven't been for about six weeks or so, and i can feel it. i hate that i don't want to. i hate that people who live where they can't or it's not safe for them to go want to go so badly and do if at all possible (which is so far beyond our american definition of possible), and here i am free and able to go and not wanting to. but that's where i'm at.
part of me wants to go. part of me wants to hear a good sermon and sing praises with my fellow Believers. but then i cringe, knowing (at least feeling like i know) that the sermon will disappoint and the music will be loud, so that even if they actually sing hymns and songs with meaning that i would love to sing with my fellow Believers, i won't get to sing them because i'll be sitting in the foyer alone or feeling awkward because there's also an usher or someone out there.
i know, i know. pick a church and get involved and it will get better. no church is perfect so find one that teaches proper theology and dive in head first. i know it's true and i know it's my fault i haven't done that. but to me "church" in a practical sense means "overstimulation and loneliness." how do people do it who have actual disorders?

Thoughts on "Inside Out"

1) I cried at the end. I was so happy for Sadness.
2) The dad is attractive, if you're into cartoons.
3) No Minnesota parents would allow their daughter to walk to her first day of school in San Francisco alone.
4) I don't know if it was intentional, but I did notice that Riley's Minnesota hockey team's colors were the colors of the U of M.

5) I saw a fan theory out there the other day that Riley is adopted. I didn't read the article, so I don't know what they based it on, but the picture showed close-ups of the faces, so I'm assuming it's that the parents have brown eyes and she has blue, and it's nearly impossible for two brown-eyed parents to have a blue-eyed child. I like the idea of her being adopted - I think it made me like the movie even more, actually.
6) Hm...I feel like I'm not saying much about the emotions.
7) I like when we get glimpses into other people's brains.
8) Bing Bong was annoying and pretty much pointless and I knew he was going to end up sacrificing himself.
9) And I think I said most of what else I was thinking in our chat on fb.

oh yeah!
10) Broccoli truly is frightening.

interesting

c.s. lewis quote on twitter:
C. S. Lewis ‏@CSLewisDaily       “The perfect church service would be one we were almost unaware of. Our attention would have been on God.” ~ #CSLewis

and my twitter rabbi's reply:
David Wolpe ‏@RabbiWolpe         @CSLewisDaily perfect synagogue service we'd be equally aware of all those images of God around us. #community