from "Meaning No Offense; Being some of the life, adventures and opinions of Trader Riddell, an old book reviewer, in the dark continent of contemporary literature; including an assortment of strange interviews and literary follies," by Cory Ford [1927]
Although I have never been to America, a fact which obviously qualifies me to write about it without any prejudice whatsoever, I am nevertheless informed on good authority of the following terrible fact: A number of people die in America every year.
Let us consider for a moment, my friends, ere we peruse our statistics further, what this disturbing fact indicates. It means, first of all, that everyone who is born in America is doomed to certain death....
In an effort to get at the bottom of the facts concerning the current state of health in America, a self-appointed committee recently made a thorough investigation of the hospitals and sanatoriums, where they found that almost every patient in American hospitals was suffering from one disease or another. In a thorough investigation of these institutions, in fact, it was impossible to find a single patient who was really feeling well and up on his toes; and in a number of places, notably the Hospital for Joint Diseases in New York, inmates were discovered suffering from two or three ailments at a time. And yet these unhealthy institutions are not only permitted to exist but are even subsidized by the government of America!...
Following these shocking revelations concerning the disease prevalent in America [including, but not limited to: freckles, literary teas, tabloid newspapers, and golf pants], the horrified committee subsequently made a thorough investigation of the State Hospital for the Insane at Matteawan. Here it was discovered that 983 persons, fully 97% of the inmates, were suffering from severe mental disorder and most of the remaining 3%, although otherwise normal, admitted that they were being followed around by a tan beaver who was riding a velocipede. Only one patient went so far as to state that he was perfectly sane, but inasmuch as he informed the committee shortly afterwards that he was really Mabel Walker Willebrandt, and even offered to search the hip-pockets of several members of the Committee in order to prove it, he was also checked off as doubtful. In addition, one or two members of the Committee itself were pretty thoroughly questioned on the way out.
As a result of these staggering statistics, it is found that only seven-eighths of a person in every thousand is normal; and since he is only seven-eighths of a person, it will be seen that he is not so very gosh-darned normal, at that.
The rest of the population in America is already practically extinct.
Let us consider for a moment, my friends, ere we peruse our statistics further, what this disturbing fact indicates. It means, first of all, that everyone who is born in America is doomed to certain death....
In an effort to get at the bottom of the facts concerning the current state of health in America, a self-appointed committee recently made a thorough investigation of the hospitals and sanatoriums, where they found that almost every patient in American hospitals was suffering from one disease or another. In a thorough investigation of these institutions, in fact, it was impossible to find a single patient who was really feeling well and up on his toes; and in a number of places, notably the Hospital for Joint Diseases in New York, inmates were discovered suffering from two or three ailments at a time. And yet these unhealthy institutions are not only permitted to exist but are even subsidized by the government of America!...
Following these shocking revelations concerning the disease prevalent in America [including, but not limited to: freckles, literary teas, tabloid newspapers, and golf pants], the horrified committee subsequently made a thorough investigation of the State Hospital for the Insane at Matteawan. Here it was discovered that 983 persons, fully 97% of the inmates, were suffering from severe mental disorder and most of the remaining 3%, although otherwise normal, admitted that they were being followed around by a tan beaver who was riding a velocipede. Only one patient went so far as to state that he was perfectly sane, but inasmuch as he informed the committee shortly afterwards that he was really Mabel Walker Willebrandt, and even offered to search the hip-pockets of several members of the Committee in order to prove it, he was also checked off as doubtful. In addition, one or two members of the Committee itself were pretty thoroughly questioned on the way out.
As a result of these staggering statistics, it is found that only seven-eighths of a person in every thousand is normal; and since he is only seven-eighths of a person, it will be seen that he is not so very gosh-darned normal, at that.
The rest of the population in America is already practically extinct.
posted by melilotnfosco | 3:21 PM
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