When Enrique's dad died a couple months ago, Hobbitsister mentioned to me that she was feeling bad for his youngest niece, as she looked very alone. Her sister is married, so she had her husband and son, her parents had each other, Enrique and Hobbitsister had each other, Erma and Scout had each other, and Enrique's dad's girlfriend had her family, thus leaving the single girl who's my age alone. I agreed that it was sad and felt bad for her. Then, as my uncle drove my mother and me to my grandma's nursing home on Thursday to be with her, I couldn't help but think 'My parents have each other. My aunts and uncles have each other. My sister has my brother-in-law. My nieces have each other. My cousins are all married or little with little siblings. My brother is about as emotionally supportive as a, idunno, something not supportive. So yep, this would be how Enrique's niece was feeling. Dang, it sucks.'
Of course, this was after I had already thought, 'I like being on the Baseball Chapel prayer team. I do. But here I pray for these guys and their wives, and I can't ask any of them to pray for me. Not one. I'm alone in this.' I then went to someone's blog (one of those where you don't actually know the person except in the blog world, but you wish you knew them in the real world because they're awesome and maybe they would think you are, too), because someday soon I should be warranting a mention due to a wonderful thing I did for that person, and I was thinking, 'You know, it would be so nice if he would mention me today, because I could really use a pick-me-up, and I'm feeling alone in the world and while I know it wouldn't actually mean anything cuz he doesn't actually know me, it would just be a nice little thing to make me smile and feel slightly less invisible.' So I went to the blog, and there was no mention of me, and while I knew I shouldn't be disappointed cuz it doesn't really matter cuz he doesn't actually know me, it just made me feel even more that I was alone in the world with no hope of that ever changing.
And I know I'm not alone. I have a huge, wonderful family and they all love me dearly. It's been so nice spending time together these last few days. And they've shown me that they love and appreciate and understand me. When I went into my grandma's room and was composed on Thursday, Uncle Zubas commented that when his family got there they wouldn't be so calm. Auntie Auntie immediately spoke up saying that some of us just aren't criers and there's nothing wrong with that, and that doesn't mean we won't cry, it just means that we aren't the type to break down like that. I appreciated that. And then yesterday when I was there for a little bit, Uncle Zubas told me that he loved my attitude and how I'm handling the fact that I'm missing out on the vacation that I was so looking forward to. I appreciated that, too. And I've had hugs and loves and all that, so I know I'm loved and very not alone. We have a huge, overwhelmingly loving family and I'm thankful for them all.
I just right now wish that I had a shoulder to cry on that was all my own and two arms to hold me and no one else.
