my emotional progress
i love how part of the reason i don't journal is because it's too personal, and yet here on my blog i feel free to go ahead and spill it all out where all of you can read it. ah, the feeling of anonymity which the internet provides.
so way back in february i had that great emotional awakening in which i learned that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to cry, it's okay to hope and dream. while i do think that awakening broke a serious chain, i still don't know that i've made much progress. it's like i'm unchained but standing in the same place. i'm still guarded with people and i'm still guarded with GOD. i guess i can see a little bit of change, but not as much as i would like. the problem is that i have no idea how to really change it. and i suppose i can't just *poof* be better after 30 years of building up walls and shutting down my emotions.
i did, however, shed a tear whilst watching 'p.s. i love you' just now. that's something, i think. i've always refused to cry at movies because only wimps like hobbitsister cry at movies (well, unless it's 'up' - then it's totally okay to cry). but that's the first step i've seen. i did just start reading 'two kisses for maddy,' though, by matt logelin (http://www.mattlogelin.com/), during which i fully intend to cry my eyes out.
so way back in february i had that great emotional awakening in which i learned that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to cry, it's okay to hope and dream. while i do think that awakening broke a serious chain, i still don't know that i've made much progress. it's like i'm unchained but standing in the same place. i'm still guarded with people and i'm still guarded with GOD. i guess i can see a little bit of change, but not as much as i would like. the problem is that i have no idea how to really change it. and i suppose i can't just *poof* be better after 30 years of building up walls and shutting down my emotions.
i did, however, shed a tear whilst watching 'p.s. i love you' just now. that's something, i think. i've always refused to cry at movies because only wimps like hobbitsister cry at movies (well, unless it's 'up' - then it's totally okay to cry). but that's the first step i've seen. i did just start reading 'two kisses for maddy,' though, by matt logelin (http://www.mattlogelin.com/), during which i fully intend to cry my eyes out.
posted by melilotnfosco | 10:10 PM
5 Comments:
I love a good cry at a movie...in fact, when I haven't cried for a while, I'll put in a "tear jerker" just for that purpose. It's very emotionally freeing.
One thing I always liked about my dad is that he cries at movies and he's unashamed about it. My dad is epitome of tough maleness: in the military, hunter, fisherman, mechanic, handyman, weight lifter, shooter...manly. Yet he cried at movies. I loved it growing up and I remember it with fondness now. I always felt it takes someone truly secure in themselves to cry in front of someone else.
Well...unless you are a wimp in everything else--then you are just wimpy :-D.
there's a difference between "it's okay to cry" and crying at everything. the fact that you don't burst into tears at every happy or sad thing that ever happens doesn't mean you have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
what you discovered is that it's ok to be real. sometimes that involves crying, sometimes it's sharing your heart. sometimes it's saying "i just need to be alone".
yes to the 'what you discovered is that it's ok to be real' thing. but i don't know that i'm always doing that. i still hold back an awful lot.
i didn't mean that i have to cry all the time. i was saying that i'm still guarded with GOD. i figure shedding tears that i wouldn't have before is a little sign of being vulnerable, which is hopefully a little sign that i'm on my way to being able to be honest with GOD and thus pray believingly.
"I remember it with fondness now." -- HM, you're so cute. :)
I know this is not the point, but I have a student like that, Hobsis. She drives me crazy! And I don't know what to do about it. Anyway, off-topic. But to me that kind of emotion seems fake. Even though they are definite real tears! I just think she's such a little actress (in kindergarten).
Mel, don't be too hard on yourself. Change doesn't happen overnight, and you wouldn't want me being too hard on myself. ;) I could probably stand to cry more too though, actually. Or at least more about other people instead of myself. I'm a lot more emotional now than I used to be though! What is it, old age? It's kind of annoying sometimes, but it's also freeing like HM said and makes me feel more "compassionate" or something.
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