my prayer retreat - pt. 2b (as in read pt. 2 first)
a couple weeks before my retreat i got to wondering if the desire to be married is my thorn in the flesh. i believe there's a difference between that and your regular accepting when GOD says no. the latter is the struggle to accept, while the former is the acceptance of the struggle. i've thought before that perhaps GOD is saying no to that request, and once i accept that i can move on. but i started to believe that perhaps that's not it. perhaps it is impossible that that desire will go away. perhaps it will never ever get easier. GOD's power is made perfect in weakness, and perhaps this is the weakness that HE's allowing me to have in order that i cannot claim any of the credit for my acceptance of HIS no. 'it became so much easier, once i decided to accept HIS will.' did you notice the 'i' there? once i decided? perhaps i need to accept that this is a struggle i will always have as it forces my dependence on HIM, forces me to keep HIM at the forefront of my thoughts. for certain personal reasons that i won't get into, this idea made sense.
and so i was prepared to go about accepting this thorn.
but then this deep spiritual friend had me pray this bartimeaus thing. which of course, got me wondering again the whole thorn in the flesh vs. persistent widow thing. which of course turns into a huge thought discussion of praying believingly vs. telling GOD what to do vs. accepting that however HE answers is the right answer. and it goes round and round and i realize how much i don't understand prayer, which in turns makes me think of how much i don't understand GOD, and it's just this spiral of confusion. thankfully my faith doesn't hinge on this, i don't feel like i have to have it figured out, but i sometimes wonder what my faith would be like if i could figure out a little bit (i know we'll never have it figured out this side of heaven). and so it goes til my mind is in a jumble and i stop thinking about it all together and go back to where i was before i started thinking all this, not satisfied with the lack of an answer, but unsure of whether or not there even is an answer anyway, and trying not to be frustrated with GOD about the whole thing.
i don't know. like i said, it's something i'll never have figured out. but once in awhile i think a little clarity would be nice.
and so i was prepared to go about accepting this thorn.
but then this deep spiritual friend had me pray this bartimeaus thing. which of course, got me wondering again the whole thorn in the flesh vs. persistent widow thing. which of course turns into a huge thought discussion of praying believingly vs. telling GOD what to do vs. accepting that however HE answers is the right answer. and it goes round and round and i realize how much i don't understand prayer, which in turns makes me think of how much i don't understand GOD, and it's just this spiral of confusion. thankfully my faith doesn't hinge on this, i don't feel like i have to have it figured out, but i sometimes wonder what my faith would be like if i could figure out a little bit (i know we'll never have it figured out this side of heaven). and so it goes til my mind is in a jumble and i stop thinking about it all together and go back to where i was before i started thinking all this, not satisfied with the lack of an answer, but unsure of whether or not there even is an answer anyway, and trying not to be frustrated with GOD about the whole thing.
i don't know. like i said, it's something i'll never have figured out. but once in awhile i think a little clarity would be nice.
posted by melilotnfosco | 9:59 PM
3 Comments:
The mind going round and round and getting so confused and eventually giving up and then starting it all over again is something that is SO familiar to me. But I like your point that it's a good thing our faith doesn't depend on this. Praise God for that! And I agree, answers would be nice sometimes. But I suppose we can't see it all and in reality answers would not be nice. But it gets so exhausting coming up with so many potential answers sometimes. And then I get annoyed with myself for thinking up possibilities, trying to guess what God's doing, when that's impossible and it just ruins things! *Sigh.* Who can save me from this wretched state?
praise GOD, GOD can and has and does!
yeah, clarity would be nice!
And yes, I agree. I think we're all (or lots of us anyways) built with a desire for companionship - and that is good and healthy. I don't know that getting over that struggle would be a good thing. Maybe it's more that God gets your struggle and meets you in it.
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