Out of place
[Here's my attempt at an explanation, Chelleybutton. ;) ]
I am an American. I am (most of the time) proud to be an American. I love my country, love my freedoms, love the people who have fought for them, love the land. Yes, I know we have problems. It's not perfect. There are some legitimate issues that need to be addressed. But overall, it's a great country and I am blessed to live here.
However. My whole life I have felt just a smidgen out of place. I went to Sweden for the first time when I was twelve. When I went back at fifteen, we got into Stockholm, I saw City Hall, and gave a deep sigh, saying, "I'm home." Then, going back a few years later and living there for a year, it became that much more real - that Sweden was home.
As I was on my way home from Sweden, I thought, "Now I have to go to England. I have to. I've seen part of where I'm from, but I need to see the rest." And it hung over me. For thirteen years, it hung there. It grew more desperate. Wales became a part of it. No, my blood isn't Welsh, but I've always felt a draw to it. England and Wales. I had to go to England and Wales. And then I did. And I can't stop wondering when I can get back. I need to get back. For a longer time. I want to stay in one place there. Buy groceries. Such a silly little thing. I want to be in one place in England long enough to buy groceries. And regularly take a train.
I feel like in either of these places I'd fit in better. When I was at school in Sweden people kept thinking I was Canadian, because I just don't fit their thoughts of Americans. I'm not loud. I'm not brash. I'm not big on a fast-paced life. Etc., etc. I just don't fit.
And it hurts most at church. I suppose it may be the novelty of something new and different, but I really think it's a legitimate feeling of fitting in better at churches over there. The ones I have been to are quieter for one thing, and I suppose slightly more liturgical. The people are friendly, but not in an obnoxious, fakey, let's greet each other because the church is telling us to American way. They're welcoming, but not in your face. I don't know if it's because so few people go to church over there that those who do seem more serious about their faith, but you also get the feeling that they want to be there for worship, not for a show. It feels like the pastors care about the growth of their church members, not their church membership.
And a big part of me feels like that if that's the case, if I feel like I could grow more spiritually at churches over there, that that's where I need to be. But unless I find a marryable Mr. Wonderful that can't happen. It's not like one can just decide to live in another country. I need some sort of green card.
And so I sit here, with a sometimes torn heart, wanting out of a country I love and into a country that's home.
I am an American. I am (most of the time) proud to be an American. I love my country, love my freedoms, love the people who have fought for them, love the land. Yes, I know we have problems. It's not perfect. There are some legitimate issues that need to be addressed. But overall, it's a great country and I am blessed to live here.
However. My whole life I have felt just a smidgen out of place. I went to Sweden for the first time when I was twelve. When I went back at fifteen, we got into Stockholm, I saw City Hall, and gave a deep sigh, saying, "I'm home." Then, going back a few years later and living there for a year, it became that much more real - that Sweden was home.
As I was on my way home from Sweden, I thought, "Now I have to go to England. I have to. I've seen part of where I'm from, but I need to see the rest." And it hung over me. For thirteen years, it hung there. It grew more desperate. Wales became a part of it. No, my blood isn't Welsh, but I've always felt a draw to it. England and Wales. I had to go to England and Wales. And then I did. And I can't stop wondering when I can get back. I need to get back. For a longer time. I want to stay in one place there. Buy groceries. Such a silly little thing. I want to be in one place in England long enough to buy groceries. And regularly take a train.
I feel like in either of these places I'd fit in better. When I was at school in Sweden people kept thinking I was Canadian, because I just don't fit their thoughts of Americans. I'm not loud. I'm not brash. I'm not big on a fast-paced life. Etc., etc. I just don't fit.
And it hurts most at church. I suppose it may be the novelty of something new and different, but I really think it's a legitimate feeling of fitting in better at churches over there. The ones I have been to are quieter for one thing, and I suppose slightly more liturgical. The people are friendly, but not in an obnoxious, fakey, let's greet each other because the church is telling us to American way. They're welcoming, but not in your face. I don't know if it's because so few people go to church over there that those who do seem more serious about their faith, but you also get the feeling that they want to be there for worship, not for a show. It feels like the pastors care about the growth of their church members, not their church membership.
And a big part of me feels like that if that's the case, if I feel like I could grow more spiritually at churches over there, that that's where I need to be. But unless I find a marryable Mr. Wonderful that can't happen. It's not like one can just decide to live in another country. I need some sort of green card.
And so I sit here, with a sometimes torn heart, wanting out of a country I love and into a country that's home.
posted by melilotnfosco | 4:32 PM
2 Comments:
Ugh, I hate to say this, but you'd tell me not to base my decisions on a guy or possibility of one. But I wish you'd stay here. :/ And I feel like I've been to churches like that, maybe Lutheran churches that are more traditional than Hope.
i'm not basing any decisions on the possibility of a guy. i just can't figure out any other way to move to another country. the decision is made for me by there not being one.
and for heaven's sake, of course i'm staying here. moving to another country isn't an option. the world's not set up that way. but a girl can wish, can't she? wish there she could live somewhere that fit her better?
it reminds me of how when you said that what you want to hear from God upon getting to Heaven is, 'I love you,' and i said that that's not the biggest thing for me. i want to hear, 'I understand you.' it's part of that same desire.
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