just a thought
i'd never really thought about it, but i wonder if my lack of motivation, lack of belief that dreams can come true, and ability to see how nothing will work out (so why try) is related to my tendency toward depression. a friend of mine who, as she puts it 'struggles with bi-polar' just wrote a blog post about living life in standby mode, one part of which said,
"But most of the time, at least in my life, I am not waiting on anyone else…I am just not being an active participant in life. I am letting it pass by me, allowing it to go on without much thought, and lacking much interest in how it impacts me until I am so unhappy about something that I stomp my feet and say, “Stop! This isn’t how I wanted it to be.”But I had not taken any time to consider how I did want it to be. I had not actively done anything to make it go differently. So when I get to point B without realizing I had left point A, I want to blame everyone else rather than looking in the mirror."
to which a friend of hers responded, "I sure am living my life in the standby mode. I make myself angry because I am so lazy or undisciplined when it comes to doing most anything. Mostly it takes a crisis mode for me to get going. I need so much help and prayer in this area of my life! Is it still depression that is causing this or what?? Frustration abounds!"
i know other people struggle with standby mode and all that i said there at first, but is it more prevalent or more amplified in those of us (yes, i know i'm undiagnosed and do remarkably well, what with only one real depressive period, and only a handful of other times when i've felt myself to be borderline) who struggle with depression? is that where i get the feeling that life is passing me by and i wish it would just be over with? (not in either a suicidal way or an escapist way or in a longing for Heaven way, just in a 'i'd be so okay with this being over cuz it's pointless' way.) not that depressive tendencies would be an excuse, but sometimes i look for explanations of myself in order to try to deal with issues. it's like the difference between having absence seizures and knowing you have absence seizures. at least if you know what it is it seems more faceable, and perhaps you can do something about it. i just wonder if it's all related.
"But most of the time, at least in my life, I am not waiting on anyone else…I am just not being an active participant in life. I am letting it pass by me, allowing it to go on without much thought, and lacking much interest in how it impacts me until I am so unhappy about something that I stomp my feet and say, “Stop! This isn’t how I wanted it to be.”But I had not taken any time to consider how I did want it to be. I had not actively done anything to make it go differently. So when I get to point B without realizing I had left point A, I want to blame everyone else rather than looking in the mirror."
to which a friend of hers responded, "I sure am living my life in the standby mode. I make myself angry because I am so lazy or undisciplined when it comes to doing most anything. Mostly it takes a crisis mode for me to get going. I need so much help and prayer in this area of my life! Is it still depression that is causing this or what?? Frustration abounds!"
i know other people struggle with standby mode and all that i said there at first, but is it more prevalent or more amplified in those of us (yes, i know i'm undiagnosed and do remarkably well, what with only one real depressive period, and only a handful of other times when i've felt myself to be borderline) who struggle with depression? is that where i get the feeling that life is passing me by and i wish it would just be over with? (not in either a suicidal way or an escapist way or in a longing for Heaven way, just in a 'i'd be so okay with this being over cuz it's pointless' way.) not that depressive tendencies would be an excuse, but sometimes i look for explanations of myself in order to try to deal with issues. it's like the difference between having absence seizures and knowing you have absence seizures. at least if you know what it is it seems more faceable, and perhaps you can do something about it. i just wonder if it's all related.
posted by melilotnfosco | 5:22 PM
20 Comments:
I was thinking about this just today. Sort of. Just how passive I am, to a fault. I say what I value most are relationships, but I don't think that's entirely true. I feel like I value a part of them, the communication, or the high I get from people getting me or responding (positively) to me or something. But that's not really valuing a relationship, really valuing the other person. It's actually really self-centered. And I am so passive that it affects my relationships. Just today a friend was hurt by something I didn't do. And I can think of so many similar instances. Relationships take work, and I'm too lazy or passive or overwhelmed or disorganized or just not thinking actively to bother. It's something I desperately need to work on. And it's going to take actual work and thinking, which I'd rather not do. I'd rather not force myself to think or do anything; just respond to what happens to me. But that's a recipe for trouble (and probably depression or borderline that).
Side note: I feel like the book Mr. Darcy is having me read sort of addresses this. Which is why I don't want any part of it. It looks/sounds too hard! (*whiny voice*) But I also kinda like that he can see that about me and seems to want to help. Even if I also find it annoying. I'm such a mess.
yeah, i need to be more proactive and less self-centered in relationships, too. i was thinking that this evening, too, actually.
Well, we're sort of the same, you and I. How do we get along then? I butt heads with one of my students and I think it's because we're both so stubborn. Granted, she's really emotional too. Oh, wait...
yes, i do think they're related
i also don't think seeking help is a bad thing
i don't think i'm at that point right now, but i am thinking that now's a good time to try to be a little proactive about it. i need to get exercising (eventually spring will come and i can go for walks and get sun - in the meantime i can wii fit and do workout videos) and start eating better. such common sense things, and yet i never do them because i'm never disciplined enough to do them. and while eating well will cost more and i'm jobless, i finally have time to make and eat salads, which would probably help. also cutting back on caffeine (which i've pretty much been doing - down to one cup most days, but i should make that all days) and drinking more water. hopefully i'll make those things happen and they'll help.
that sounds good.
why does it cost more to eat healthfully? maybe that's where michelle obama should stick her nose - make healthful choices affordable!
In the long run, though, it might be worth the money if it saves you money elsewhere (e.g. from drugs, trips to the doctor/hospital, etc.).
I also think those are good ideas. I think any type of self-discipline is good. (And hard.)
i never go to the dr or take drugs, so that doesn't even out the healthful foods. but the benefits, if this works for my psyche, could be worth it.
But it could also help reduce medical costs in the future, you never know. But yes, helping the psyche is definitely worth it, imo. (I'm not talking about you only.) Also, I just feel a lot better knowing I'm not putting fake stuff into my body. As much anyway. :) Of course, there may come a point where I have to because of the financial cost... I should really be trying to save more money now!
again, i don't care about fake stuff. it's gotten me this far. :) i also don't worry to much about future medical costs. i don't plan on doing anything to keep myself alive later on, cuz why not just go. i suppose i'll want to be able to afford things to ease any pain, though.
You do realize you argue about almost anything and shoot almost everything down, right? :P Anyway, for whatever reason, all those ideas you mentioned are good.
yes, that is true :)
lol, which part? i'll assume the second, since you compare yourself to sheldon. :)
i meant the first, but sure, both :)
I don't know that I would chalk it up to depression -though I'm sure it is a difficulty with depression, I'm just saying that I think it's a normal mental health problem too. Some people (like the annoying Facebook people) have lots of energy. The rest of us get tired! And tired is comfy. And not doing things is easier. And comfy and easy are nice!
Yes, I have a chronic tiredness issue so I'm probably not the person to talk to on this, but I also have a comfy and easy problem. I'm so not the "let's plan a ski day!" kind of person. How about a "drink tea and read books!" That seems better! I thought getting dogs would motivate me.
Don't get dogs.
You know what they do all afternoon?
Nap.
Yup.
Hard to be motivated with a dog snoring next to you!
Though it does make taking a walk seem more worthwhile.
The only thing I've found (other than healthier food- great idea!) is a schedule with reward sort of deal. Like, yes, fine, I'll go do some sort of outside activity, but then I earn not doing laundry today if I can or something. Or no internet after 10am, so no wasting the day away (obviously I'm not doing that at the moment! :) but today is catch up day.)
yes, i realize it's not just those who struggle with depression who struggle with these things (motivation, especially). i just wonder if my pessimism and all that is related to the depression. if it's my personality, i can't really change it. but if it's related to depression, there's a chance that i don't have to let it be who i am. there's some hope for change.
so maybe even if they're not related i should think of them as being so, and plow ahead as though i'm trying to defeat a disease not trying to defeat myself. :)
I think there is a difference between personality and habit, and this would fall under habit with a greater likelihood with certain personalities. As in, I may have an issue with anger, but the more I yell the more I'm likely to yell as a first response.
Good for you making resolutions without it being Dec 31 or Jan 1! :-)
It might help to have an accountability partner. Know anyone?
not really. just you girls.
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