Welcome to December
I'm going crazy. I'm going absolutely crazy. I'm out of sorts. I want to be in England. I'm feeling more and more like I fit in less and less. I feel like I'm bursting. I'm dwelling on things I shouldn't dwell on. I feel like everything's going to come caving in. I don't want to be here. I can't figure any of this out.
Every year. Every year at this time.
"I think there's something wrong with me...I like getting presents, sending cards, decorating trees, and all that. But I always end up feeling sad." - Charlie Brown
Every year. Every year at this time.
"I think there's something wrong with me...I like getting presents, sending cards, decorating trees, and all that. But I always end up feeling sad." - Charlie Brown
And I'm caught off guard every year. I don't understand. But I don't like it.
posted by melilotnfosco | 7:16 PM
7 Comments:
*hug!*
I am very familiar with that feeling of not wanting to be where you are. However, I was motivated by an ambiguous desire to explore and keep moving on than a feeling of not belonging. Hmm. Yes it was the feeling that, now I've gotten used to this place, this job, this scenery, and it's kind of boring. Then I'd move and travel and eventually feel the same.
But I know your experience is different. Your colleagues don't like to talk about the same things as you, and your heart is dreaming specifically for England. I'm sure it doesn't help that you have been indulging in a certain time-traveling Englishman lately. :-) Do you think you can actually arrange a trip back next year at this time? Remember you had a longing to go for the longest time and when you finally did, it was cathartic! Plus, God seemed to align the stars to make that path crystal clear.
I would love to go at Christmastime. My hostess when I was in the town my family came from posts all these pictures and links on facebook, and every single one of them is a little stab of me not being there. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing them, but each one is a reminder that I'm not there, nor am I able to be. Unfortunately I have to go by the school's schedule so going there in December isn't really a possibility. I can't quite take off the way they do in 'The Holiday,' wonderful as that always seems!
I should try to come up with some way to have something to look forward to each December. Christmas doesn't count because I find it exhausting. And it would be better to have something that's not just one day. I don't really know what the solution is.
And yes, I'm sure the certain time-traveling Englishman probably doesn't help. ;P Fun fact - the town he's from is 1/2 hour from where my family is from. Had to look up exactly where because it's obviously Manchester-ish and both on the show and on imdb it mentions his northern accent (which they say people find more trustworthy, btw). Hobbitsister says she can always tell a Manchester-area accent from different British accents, claiming it's because we're from there, so maybe I'm attracted to a Manchester-area accent because it's in my blood. :)
Mel, I know this is a pot to the kettle comment, but are you spending regular time with God? I don't know that we can receive very clear guidance without that.
Also, whenever you're ready to travel there again, if you need someone to share cost with, keep me posted. No guarantees, but I'd love to go to HP places with you (and Auto). :)
no, i'm not. i never am. :/
It's something I know I need to do. I wish I had a healthier fear of God.
Hej! Merry Christmas!!!
How are you feeling about things now?
i survived Christmas, now i'm just antsy.
and have forbidden myself to watch doctor who for as long as i can hold out. ;)
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