Travel Journal - Oxford, pt. 4 pt. b
Day Eleven (cont.) - Then that evening came. As I was getting ready for bed I started thinking about what a great day it had been. How I had gotten to do two of the things I really, really wanted to do on this trip. And how amazing this trip was. And how it had come about because I finally listened to GOD and stepped out in faith like HE wanted me to. And how after I stepped out in faith to go on this amazing trip, life-changing not only because any travelling is, but also because it was teaching me the wonder of obedience and the wonder of having a dream; after this step of faith, GOD provided a job that is a great fit, working with great people. Here I was experiencing grace upon grace. I cried.
And then I realized that for the first time in my adult life I am in a good place. Never as an adult have I experienced life without a cloud over my head. And it's not just that everything is going well, with the trip and a job and a church and a small group. It's the obedience, the trust, the assurance, the hope. The freedom. And so I bawled. And bawled. And I started wondering, do people actually feel like this? The elation I feel of late I know doesn't come to everyone and doesn't last for those to whom it does come, but what of the dark cloud? Do other people actually not have that? Is that a thing? Oh my GOD, is this what it's like to be normal? Is this what it feels like for those who live without depression and/or depressive tendencies? "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great Light; those who dwelt in the land of intense darkness and the shadow of death, upon them has the Light shined." "In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men. And the Light shines on in the darkness..." Oh my GOD! Is this what life is? For the first time in my adult life I am in a good place. I didn't know this was even possible. I didn't know what I was missing. I didn't even know that it existed. Sure I knew that there were people filled with more joy than I had, people who didn't lean toward depression, but oh my GOD, I had no idea what it's like without the cloud. The discovery of this was beyond words.
And I bawled. And bawled.
And then I realized that for the first time in my adult life I am in a good place. Never as an adult have I experienced life without a cloud over my head. And it's not just that everything is going well, with the trip and a job and a church and a small group. It's the obedience, the trust, the assurance, the hope. The freedom. And so I bawled. And bawled. And I started wondering, do people actually feel like this? The elation I feel of late I know doesn't come to everyone and doesn't last for those to whom it does come, but what of the dark cloud? Do other people actually not have that? Is that a thing? Oh my GOD, is this what it's like to be normal? Is this what it feels like for those who live without depression and/or depressive tendencies? "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great Light; those who dwelt in the land of intense darkness and the shadow of death, upon them has the Light shined." "In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men. And the Light shines on in the darkness..." Oh my GOD! Is this what life is? For the first time in my adult life I am in a good place. I didn't know this was even possible. I didn't know what I was missing. I didn't even know that it existed. Sure I knew that there were people filled with more joy than I had, people who didn't lean toward depression, but oh my GOD, I had no idea what it's like without the cloud. The discovery of this was beyond words.
And I bawled. And bawled.
posted by melilotnfosco | 10:56 PM
5 Comments:
SO thankful. :) And I feel like I can relate some to the "Here I was experiencing grace upon grace." Well, and some of the other stuff too. I am just overwhelmed sometimes lately. But it's not like it wasn't there before; I just started realizing it or something. Or appreciating it. I don't know. But I think it's so amazing that I'm the one who's being thick-headed and not learning the lesson God wants me to learn and has told me again and again. But what does He do? Lavish upon me grace upon grace. He blesses me more. And I just love that He responds to even my smallest step of faithfulness and obedience. He truly is so good to me. Why do I ever doubt?? It's amazing how obedience is freeing. I can see why you had a hard time expressing your thoughts in this post, but I think you did a pretty decent job. :)
:D
and thanks :)
That was beautiful.
Beautiful!
And yes, most of us don't carry around the dark cloud. However, I think we get used to it, and don't really think about it. Having that break-through after years of starving in the darkness is, I think, beyond what most experience.
I kind of get what you mean by it though. I've been lucky enough to have a few "feeling like normal health days" here and there throughout the years, and they are GLORIOUS!
So So SO Thankful that you are coming out from under that cloud! Sunny days ahead! :D
Welcome to the world with seasons, in which some days ARE cloudy and dark, but there are also days of sunshine and cool breezes :-) Here's to hoping you'll have more of the latter from now on!
(Along those lines, I bet your cloud lifted in the UK because it wanted to float off to be with its friends and family.)
I think that's true; we don't all have momentous epiphanies. But I did go through a similar transformation (of understanding and valuing the importance of obedience) through years of travel and other experiences. I got more "brave" to take another step in faith, whether big or small, after each blessing came from following the last one. It looks like a crazy way to live from the outside, where I'm moving homes or going to random places all the time. But I have deep inner peace about it! Praise the Lord for your new self :-)
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