in which you hear the same whiny complaint (okay, one of them)
i still feel like i'm not going to know who i am or have any idea what to do with myself until i go to england. preferably for a year or more, but even a month or two would be nice. england and wales. england to see all the sites and see where my family's from and visit oxford and tolkien's grave. wales to wander the rolling hills and sit by the water and think or write. maybe even scotland to see castle ruins. if i were really ambitious i'd add ireland to go to a pub and find someone like that one guy in 'p.s. i love you.' but that wouldn't be the point. finding a man over there could be an added bonus, but that's not why i want to go. i want to go to find myself. maybe i'd go, have a great time, come back, and get in this rut again, but at least i wouldn't have this ache to try it out. i might miss it terribly when i got back, but at least i'd know that i'd done it. i don't know.
i know i can't use england to escape my problems - i have to face them, but that's not what it is. i just have this feeling that there i would get some clarity. here i just keep thinking the same things over and over, and they're not very helpful. maybe over there i could dream a little. and if i could dream, maybe i could see possibilities. here i don't see them. for heaven's sake, i'm single and in a job i hate - it's not like i have anything tying me down. and i sure as heck am not getting any younger. this is the time to do it. but i still don't know what to do over there, and they don't just let you stay without a visa. and i can't really quit a job not knowing if i'll ever get another. oh, how i wish i hadn't gotten this job! i'd be in england now, attending a week-long class at a Bible school and preparing for the oxenmoot in a week and a half.
i also wish i had some auto in me, so i could honestly believe i'd go over there by myself for a significant amount of time. or any amount of time. i actually think a longer amount of time would be easier because then i would have to have a specific purpose and i could get to know people at school or work. travelling alone would be a little harder, but then i could see the sites i want to see and have time off and all that.
how do other people do it?
i know i can't use england to escape my problems - i have to face them, but that's not what it is. i just have this feeling that there i would get some clarity. here i just keep thinking the same things over and over, and they're not very helpful. maybe over there i could dream a little. and if i could dream, maybe i could see possibilities. here i don't see them. for heaven's sake, i'm single and in a job i hate - it's not like i have anything tying me down. and i sure as heck am not getting any younger. this is the time to do it. but i still don't know what to do over there, and they don't just let you stay without a visa. and i can't really quit a job not knowing if i'll ever get another. oh, how i wish i hadn't gotten this job! i'd be in england now, attending a week-long class at a Bible school and preparing for the oxenmoot in a week and a half.
i also wish i had some auto in me, so i could honestly believe i'd go over there by myself for a significant amount of time. or any amount of time. i actually think a longer amount of time would be easier because then i would have to have a specific purpose and i could get to know people at school or work. travelling alone would be a little harder, but then i could see the sites i want to see and have time off and all that.
how do other people do it?
posted by melilotnfosco | 5:46 PM
11 Comments:
the comments:
in which hobbitsister tells me to stop whining and do it already or just shut up because the only one who can do anything about it is me.
i don't suppose it's ever occured to you that the reason i say that is because i believe you can do it and succeed
Hmm... google it? :) (how do people do it, I mean)
I've never seen 'P.S. I Love You.' I thought of 'Leap Year.'
Auto says that sometimes she doesn't know what she's gonna do until the last minute and is even panicked sometimes and then something just works out. So she keeps learning more and more to trust God with it. Sounds a bit frightening to me too. :) But also cool.
And I'm sorry I didn't comment on this earlier. I thought I had read it but I hadn't! I think I must've started but then had to go do something. Anyway, sorry about that.
Oh, I knew there was something else that I was forgetting to say: maybe this is one of the reasons you hate your boss, because he stole this from you (in your mind).
oh, there are many reasons. number one is that he lied to me, number two is that he doesn't respect me. but i try not to talk about him outside of work cuz no sense letting him ruin my life outside of work, too.
you should see 'p.s. i love you.' that one guy is very swoony.
Hi!
I'm a little confused. If you hadn't got this job, you would be in England? Why? What is so different than quitting now and going to England?
(and the first home study visit went well! Our house passed! Now we just have to! :D Two more to go!)
in my head (but of course not realistically), if i hadn't gotten the job i wouldn't have had to worry about vacation time, thus leaving me free to take a class at capernwray and a week after that go to the oxenmoot. not sure how it would work financially to be unemployed and travelling, though i do have savings that i would like to do something i want to do before i die.
however, since i have a job, i can't just quit. if i was already stuck being unemployed that would be one thing, i can't just quit a job with nothing lined up.
i'm glad your home study visit went well! i can't imagine it not. :)
aww Sorry I missed this blog post! In one way, you should be proud that I've been working instead of reading blogs. But that's no excuse, I just said that to make myself feel better hehe.
Chelley's right, I used to pray "Lord send me and I will go" and that's what I did. Back then, I was NOT the bold adventurous type. That's come little by little based on each successful experience of praying it, going, and coming back feeling 10x better off (even if I spent all kinds of money to do it).
The first time I prayed that and moved to Arizona in 2006, I reminded myself of Abraham. Now, I wanted to quote the Bible when God called him to travel but being lazy I googled for it instead. Fortunately, that led me to this http://www.bible-truth.org/GEN12.HTM that I think you should read (the section titled "The Call of Abraham")
I believe that sometimes the Lord puts thoughts and feelings in you that you can choose to follow by faith. Remember that book I lent you, "The Power of a Whisper" by Bill Hybels? Pastor Hybels says that God prompts us but sometimes those prompts are drowned out by other things, thoughts, fears. We have to discern His voice and at the same time, TEST the promptings if they seem illogical by asking people you trust. The example he gave was a man who wanted to quit his accounting job to sing professionally. He was sure God prompted him to do that, but checked with his friends first. Good thing he did, because as it turned out his friends urged him not to quit his day job because his singing was bad! But his other examples were of people who considered doing something completely different/out of the blue, and their friends agreed and encouraged them, and their lives then changed forever.
So that's how I feel at this point. You've had this feeling for a while, your friends are urging you, and you're only holding back due to uncertainty, and maybe a bit of fear or the sense that you're just not that kind of person to pick up and go. Well, remember what Dumbledore said: "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
>:D< know that we support you no matter your decision. Except we might smack you upside the head if you choose to do nothing. (I know you haven't been "choosing" to do nothing, I am just suggesting it's Absolutely OK to quit your job even if you don't have something else lined up!)
if i had an idea of what to do in england, i'd do it, but i have no idea.
and well, yes, i know that sounds like me making excuses again, i like to think it's true.
wait, you lent that book to me? i suppose i should get it back to you then (with apologies for the underlining)!
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