why must i say what society wants me to say?
the other day some friends and i went bowling. one of those friends has a 4-month-old-ish baby boy, who obviously had to get passed around in order for his mother to be able to bowl. he's a good baby, so i was happy to do my part and squeeze him some. at one point, as i was holding him, jeanie said, 'and you don't want kids? you'd be such a good mom.' i again stated that i like to be able to send them home. and then i got to thinking that maybe part of my problem with kids is that i'm such an introvert that the thought of someone being there all the time, especially someone who needs me, is just an overwhelming, stressful thought. cheap cousin's wife has said that she has noticed that she's becoming more introverted the older she gets and that she has to get alone time or she starts to notice herself slipping into a depression (which she has struggled with in the past), and that sometimes that's hard when she has two little boys (even though they are good and dear little boys). that makes sense to me as an introvert who has struggled with depression.
so today i said something about this to my mother, saying that i should maybe once in awhile volunteer to take those little boys to give their mother a break. she said that was a nice idea, then immediately berated me for telling people that i don't want children: 'you might be scaring the boys off.' first of all, i've never said this in front of boys. 'but it could get back to them.' why on earth would jeanie say anything to a boy about it? 'well, you never know.' okay, so what if it does? if it's a deal-breaker for them, it's a deal-breaker, and then we've nipped that in the butt before it got too serious. 'you still shouldn't tell people that.' sometimes it comes up in conversation when girls are sitting around; it just does. and what, am i supposed to lie and say i look forward to my own someday? 'don't say anything.' why should i be ashamed to not want kids? oh my gosh! why must i kowtow to convention! God forbid a woman who doesn't want kids! what a horrible, unfeeling wretch i am! and worse! a woman who will admit it!
welcome to the 21st century mother.
so today i said something about this to my mother, saying that i should maybe once in awhile volunteer to take those little boys to give their mother a break. she said that was a nice idea, then immediately berated me for telling people that i don't want children: 'you might be scaring the boys off.' first of all, i've never said this in front of boys. 'but it could get back to them.' why on earth would jeanie say anything to a boy about it? 'well, you never know.' okay, so what if it does? if it's a deal-breaker for them, it's a deal-breaker, and then we've nipped that in the butt before it got too serious. 'you still shouldn't tell people that.' sometimes it comes up in conversation when girls are sitting around; it just does. and what, am i supposed to lie and say i look forward to my own someday? 'don't say anything.' why should i be ashamed to not want kids? oh my gosh! why must i kowtow to convention! God forbid a woman who doesn't want kids! what a horrible, unfeeling wretch i am! and worse! a woman who will admit it!
welcome to the 21st century mother.
posted by melilotnfosco | 7:28 PM
15 Comments:
I think your reasoning is very sound. For whatever that is worth.
And I kind of understand how you feel, because I am not a "normal" mom. I love my daughter, obviously, but I don't get all gaga over babies. And I'm not dying to have another one, even though I don't want her to be an only child. And I'm totally fine sending her to preschool and not spending every waking moment with her. And these things? They're not what society wants ME to say.
thank you.
I totally agree with everything you said. I have lots of friends who don't want to have children! Better to know before than after!
Not every guy wants to have children and society isn't all up in arms over them. In fact, it's usually assumed (!!!) that a guy will be hesitant to have children, or be involved in child-raising.
exactly. she'd never bug my brother about it.
and i suppose i shouldn't say i'll never have kids. maybe someday someone will come along and change my mind and heart about it.
right now, though, i would only want them so i can name them and so that they'll visit me in the nursing home. :)
I agree with Mary--your reasoning is very sound. Why should having children be any different than saying, "I only want to marry a Christian." A deal breaker is a deal breaker, no matter what it is and I am one who thinks it is important to be honest right up front. You are who you are and if someone doesn't like that, then they aren't the one for you. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children.
thank you, too.
when my mom was saying all this, i kind of heard the stepsisters from the brandy cinderella quoting what their mother had drilled into their heads: 'we hide our flaws until AFTER the wedding.'
Hmm, well, my husband (if he exists) won't see some of my flaws until after the wedding, unless I go too far before then, but that definitely isn't the plan and I can't see it happening (I know, never say never). But other than that, I agree. And I just want to say, I kind of prefer people who say things society doesn't want them to say or don't say things society wants them to say. :)
Ditto on all counts. Except for one itty bitty nitpicky thing. Isn't it "nip it in the bud"?
haha - yes. gotta love typos. i think i'll leave that one. :)
i had a friend who couldn't have children and was scared she'd never find a nice Christian guy. after all, just like Christian women are supposed to have children, Christian men are supposed to want to have children.
turns out, she found a great guy who loved her, not her motherhood potential.
remember - elkanah loved hannah, regardless of whether or not she had children.
oh, and by the way, my friend and her husband didn't adopt. they're perfectly happy being a family of two :)
very encouraging hobbitsis!
that looks like 'hobbitses,' like you're gollum, and we're plural :)
If I could "like" comments here, I'd like that last one, mel. :)
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