Retreat, Pt. 2
With my friend praying about dreams coming true, I couldn't help but once again confront the fact that I don't believe they do, and, with that, that I don't believe in happiness. And as they hit me so hard that I cried in public, I was forced to dig deeper into what that all implies. And these were my conclusions.
While I don't believe they are sins per se, they are things that hinder my relationship with GOD. They put limits on HIM. Do I believe GOD answers prayer above and beyond our expectations? Yes. Do I believe that it's worth dreaming of a man and/or a job? No, because I can't see those things happening. Wait, what? I justify those seemingly opposing ideas by claiming that whether or not I have a man and/or a job that I like are not relevant in light of Eternity, and thus are superficial and selfish.
But so what if they're superficial and selfish? They're not sinful. And they're things that matter to me. And the things that matter to me matter to GOD because I matter to GOD. My lack of belief that HE would provide either of those things are a slap in the face of a loving GOD, and definitely a hindrance to my prayer life. My lack of belief in prayer for those things is a symptom of a deeper problem, which is a flat out lack of faith. It's me saying, 'Okay, GOD, I'll trust you this far, but then that's it. I'll trust you with some things, but I've decided that you aren't going to supply any of the things that I truly want, so I'm not going to bother even considering them as possibilities.' It's me not wanting to get hurt. It's me not wanting to make myself vulnerable, because I can't see how that can lead to anything but getting hurt.
But I forget that I'm in the hands of a loving GOD. A loving FATHER. The times HE's spoken to me, HE's called me 'MY child.' HE chose to call me that for a reason. HE knew I needed to hear that HE wants what's best for me, and that yes, HE wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to start believing in dreams again. I don't know how to pray believingly. But, like they say, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. And I do think I've made some baby steps leading up to this. Confessing on here that I do cry occassionally, I believe, was the first step in allowing myself to be vulnerable. It helped prepare me for crying on someone's shoulder. Opening myself up on here to tell you girls that I don't believe in dreams helped me get my thoughts together so that when I was talking through my tears I made sense to my friend and she could say some things I needed to hear. And all of that helped get me to the point where I could do some self-analysis and dig down deep. And now hopefully all that making myself vulnerable to people is a step in making myself vulnerable to GOD. Slowly but surely I believe HE's tearing down walls that I've spent years building up. We were singing a song on Sunday (I can't remember what) and it talked about needing to be healed, and it hit me just how broken I am and how badly I need to be put back together. So many many years of damage without me even realizing it. Thank GOD HE's GOD. We've got a lot of work ahead of us. I don't know what needs to be done, and I don't know how, but I know HE does, and trusting that HE will will be my first test. :)
While I don't believe they are sins per se, they are things that hinder my relationship with GOD. They put limits on HIM. Do I believe GOD answers prayer above and beyond our expectations? Yes. Do I believe that it's worth dreaming of a man and/or a job? No, because I can't see those things happening. Wait, what? I justify those seemingly opposing ideas by claiming that whether or not I have a man and/or a job that I like are not relevant in light of Eternity, and thus are superficial and selfish.
But so what if they're superficial and selfish? They're not sinful. And they're things that matter to me. And the things that matter to me matter to GOD because I matter to GOD. My lack of belief that HE would provide either of those things are a slap in the face of a loving GOD, and definitely a hindrance to my prayer life. My lack of belief in prayer for those things is a symptom of a deeper problem, which is a flat out lack of faith. It's me saying, 'Okay, GOD, I'll trust you this far, but then that's it. I'll trust you with some things, but I've decided that you aren't going to supply any of the things that I truly want, so I'm not going to bother even considering them as possibilities.' It's me not wanting to get hurt. It's me not wanting to make myself vulnerable, because I can't see how that can lead to anything but getting hurt.
But I forget that I'm in the hands of a loving GOD. A loving FATHER. The times HE's spoken to me, HE's called me 'MY child.' HE chose to call me that for a reason. HE knew I needed to hear that HE wants what's best for me, and that yes, HE wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to start believing in dreams again. I don't know how to pray believingly. But, like they say, acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. And I do think I've made some baby steps leading up to this. Confessing on here that I do cry occassionally, I believe, was the first step in allowing myself to be vulnerable. It helped prepare me for crying on someone's shoulder. Opening myself up on here to tell you girls that I don't believe in dreams helped me get my thoughts together so that when I was talking through my tears I made sense to my friend and she could say some things I needed to hear. And all of that helped get me to the point where I could do some self-analysis and dig down deep. And now hopefully all that making myself vulnerable to people is a step in making myself vulnerable to GOD. Slowly but surely I believe HE's tearing down walls that I've spent years building up. We were singing a song on Sunday (I can't remember what) and it talked about needing to be healed, and it hit me just how broken I am and how badly I need to be put back together. So many many years of damage without me even realizing it. Thank GOD HE's GOD. We've got a lot of work ahead of us. I don't know what needs to be done, and I don't know how, but I know HE does, and trusting that HE will will be my first test. :)
posted by melilotnfosco | 10:05 PM
5 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
ok, shoot me if you want, but i'm crying again. because just as i said in the previous post, i have been praying so hard for all of this. thank you so much for sharing it.
we might not always say the right things when we comment on the personal, heart-felt posts, but we DO care. and while we may not know exactly how it is you're feeling, we know what it is to hurt and to doubt and to be scared and to feel lost and abandoned. we're your blog friends and we're here to listen to each others rants and frustrations. so thank you for using us as a warm up :)
Amen AMEN to everything HS said. I am so very thankful and excited for what God is doing in your life. and convicted and challenged. Thank you for being so honest.
and my mother says blogs are a waste of time... :)
I just want you to know...I can barely read your post because I know what you're talking about. I mean, that I know how I protect myself (so I think) by not daring to believe God could give me what I truly desire. Because if I don't get my hopes up, I won't get hurt. Oh, I talk a good game about believing and hoping and just knowing that it will happen. But really? Do I really believe that? Most of the time...no. So it's hard to read your post, because I know it's something I need to deal with, too.
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