Retreat, Pt. 1
The retreat this weekend was wonderful. I didn't sit around talking as much as I would have liked, and because of nice little dizzy spells I napped instead of playing broomball (though that is probably for the best anyway, what with my back and the potential broomball presents for falls), but it was still really good. The subject was the armor of GOD, but we also talked about the importance of opening up to each other about things we're struggling with in order that we might help one another along in our walks.
At the last session we broke into groups of 3 or 4 to pray together. Not that I want people to struggle with what I'm struggling with, but it is always reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one. And that is what I heard this time. The first girl to speak up shared how hard it is for her to pray believingly, how hard it is not to put limits on GOD, how hard it is not to believe that GOD won't do it. It's not that we doubt that HE can. It's a matter of believing that HE will. It's a very real struggle, and the other two girls agreed that it can be hard.
We talked a bit, then went to prayer. The first girl prayed first, and knowing exactly how she was feeling my eyes started watering a bit. But for pete's sake, this is me. It stopped. Then my friend started praying about it as well, and added parts about dreaming big and trusting it will come to pass, and I lost it. Pretty sure for the first time ever, I cried in public. Flat out cried. I felt weak. Which is normally something I hate and so I force my emotions to shut down and that's the end of it. But for once, it didn't really bother me. It felt strange. I knew my friend and I could go to the bathroom where I could cry it out and talk it out and get hugs and blow my nose instead of wiping it on her shoulder.
I think partly it was okay because I had started feeling comfortable with everyone at that retreat. I started feeling like they are the church family I've been looking for. With all ages there, I got to feel more like I did in my old church, where everyone knew me as Melilot Dolly, which has always been a gauge of closeness for me. People my parents' age and grandparent ages were taking the time to get to know me and talk more and play games and all that. It felt like what my old church could have turned into for me had it lasted til I was the age where you start being with the adults as an adult. And at the same time, it felt different, because these people are getting to know me as Melilot, not as a Brandybuck, which I was at the church I grew up with.
I don't know if any of that just made sense. It did to me, and it might to Hobbitsister, since she knows what our church was like, but if it doesn't to the rest of you, I'm sorry. It's just my heart spilling out onto the page. My heart doesn't always have coherent thoughts.
I think it also was okay because it was just plain really needed. I never allow myself to be vulnerable. But a person can only go on like that for so long. And after nearly 30 years the dam finally broke. It was good.
More thoughts from the retreat later. Right now this has gotten long and I need to go to bed. So, to be continued...
At the last session we broke into groups of 3 or 4 to pray together. Not that I want people to struggle with what I'm struggling with, but it is always reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one. And that is what I heard this time. The first girl to speak up shared how hard it is for her to pray believingly, how hard it is not to put limits on GOD, how hard it is not to believe that GOD won't do it. It's not that we doubt that HE can. It's a matter of believing that HE will. It's a very real struggle, and the other two girls agreed that it can be hard.
We talked a bit, then went to prayer. The first girl prayed first, and knowing exactly how she was feeling my eyes started watering a bit. But for pete's sake, this is me. It stopped. Then my friend started praying about it as well, and added parts about dreaming big and trusting it will come to pass, and I lost it. Pretty sure for the first time ever, I cried in public. Flat out cried. I felt weak. Which is normally something I hate and so I force my emotions to shut down and that's the end of it. But for once, it didn't really bother me. It felt strange. I knew my friend and I could go to the bathroom where I could cry it out and talk it out and get hugs and blow my nose instead of wiping it on her shoulder.
I think partly it was okay because I had started feeling comfortable with everyone at that retreat. I started feeling like they are the church family I've been looking for. With all ages there, I got to feel more like I did in my old church, where everyone knew me as Melilot Dolly, which has always been a gauge of closeness for me. People my parents' age and grandparent ages were taking the time to get to know me and talk more and play games and all that. It felt like what my old church could have turned into for me had it lasted til I was the age where you start being with the adults as an adult. And at the same time, it felt different, because these people are getting to know me as Melilot, not as a Brandybuck, which I was at the church I grew up with.
I don't know if any of that just made sense. It did to me, and it might to Hobbitsister, since she knows what our church was like, but if it doesn't to the rest of you, I'm sorry. It's just my heart spilling out onto the page. My heart doesn't always have coherent thoughts.
I think it also was okay because it was just plain really needed. I never allow myself to be vulnerable. But a person can only go on like that for so long. And after nearly 30 years the dam finally broke. It was good.
More thoughts from the retreat later. Right now this has gotten long and I need to go to bed. So, to be continued...
posted by melilotnfosco | 10:00 PM
7 Comments:
Is broomball like quidditch?!?
And :D to you losing it. No offense, of course. >:D<
sadly, no, broomball is not like quidditch. it's like hockey but with brooms and no skates. great fun.
and :P >:D<
broomball is fantastic, but not if you're dizzy.
I am SO VERY THANKFUL and excited that you had a great weekend and are in a church community that you love.
So very thankful!
In other news, I just got the phone call I was waiting for!
kimberly, you're being awfully mysterious -- some of us don't know what phone call you were waiting for :P
that is sad, mel. but broomball sounds like a distant second. :)
:) Sorry!
Check your FB mail.
i've been praying for you, didder, and it looks like God is answering those prayers. so, so thankful for how He is working! i can't wait to see Him do more!
thank you
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