Van Gogh
Last week I watched the fifth season of "Doctor Who." New Doctor, new companion, new executive producer (ugh - Steven Moffat), I wasn't expecting much, but enjoyed it pretty much like I thought I would. Except for one episode. There was one episode that jumped out at me that will easily rank somewhere high in a list of favorite episodes: "Vincent and the Doctor."The Doctor and his companion went back in time and met Vincent Van Gogh. It broke my heart. The poor, poor man.The struggles of his mental illness and the fact that he was so alone in all of it. When the Doctor and his companion got back to the present day, she was hoping so badly that they had changed history and Van Gogh had not killed himself. But some things cannot be changed. Van Gogh had to fight his own demons. And in the end, he did not win.
My eyes were watering. Mental illness is devastating.
The next opportunity I got, I went to the library and got a big biography and a copy of his letters. And they, too, break my heart. So alone. No one understanding him, people ostracizing him, not getting the help or even love that he so obviously needed. He needed someone to take his face in their hands, look him in the eye, and tell him that he had value. I want to be able to do that for him.I can't. Obviously. But it got me thinking again about all the times that I've said that people who struggle with mental illness or addiction (or so often both) are where my heart lies, how that, somehow, might be my ministry. And I've been convicted. I've said this for years, and done nothing. I always say I don't know how to find somewhere to volunteer or how I can help, and I use that as an excuse. I can't keep doing that. Like Jimmy Stewart says in "Shenandoah," "...I [have] to try. And if we don't try, we don't do. And if we don't do, then why are we here on this earth."
Somehow I have to keep this conviction. Somehow I have to get active in serving these people. Van Gogh had no one. It's true of so many people. I cannot let that be on my head.
Please hold me accountable. And don't accept excuses. I'm really good and 'buts' and I know I exasperate all of you with them. Don't back down.
I am so thankful I got the 950 page biography. That gives me a lot of time to have this sink in. And it needs to get sunk.
posted by melilotnfosco | 10:55 PM
6 Comments:
Will do. :) I am praying for your faith to be action and for your faith to be real (or more real?) because of that. Not just in your head, but clear evidence of God working in your life, doing something miraculous. I think that can even be getting you out of your comfort zones and persevering when it's uncomfortable, confusing, seemingly unprofitable, etc. (Hey, you long for adventures with Doctor Who; here's kind of an opportunity for one! But it probably won't be cleanly resolved in 60 minutes. ;) )
A song on one of my Ginny Owens CDs says:
He could have prospered in the suburbs
Instead of working for the poor
Down at the inner-city mission
Where there's so much disappointment and very few rewards.
For every victory there's a failure
On these harsh and empty streets
But if you ask what keeps him going
He'll say, "I know where I'd be if Christ had given up on me-"
Chorus:
Beneath the symbol of a lost cause
Is where I take my stand.
Beneath the emblem of a Roman cross
of a Sacrificial Lamb.
Cause love never claims the victory
Till it finally gives its all.
And that's why the grave is empty
Beneath the symbol of a lost cause.
I think it's a good reminder for us, that we need to be patient. And ask God to do work even if we can't see it. I pray you'll do like Jimmy Stewart's character said (I've seen that movie, most of it! ;) ) and just start. Praying to God to prove your doubts wrong and use your willingness where you are, because I'm convinced He will. (Oh, and P.S., you've also reminded me of such things before too. Like with youth group, for example.)
(Also, thank you for sharing these thoughts on your heart. That was brave and vulnerable of you!)
Thank you. :)
And thank you so much for your prayers and your words and that song. I so appreciate you and your friendship. You're a blessing to me. :)
Aw, thanks! You are to me as well. In your words (I believe), "love love." :)
(P.S. Did you find the song online and listen to it?)
no, i didn't.
and they're not really my words. it's from a song in veggietales esther. :)
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