thing i've noticed
in an effort to not go to bed, i'm once again looking at old blog posts. i see how random it is, how i've grown up over the last nine (yes, nine!) years, all that's gone on. and then i see one glaring change. in the last two years, since being healed from depression, the really deep, spiritually searching posts have faded away. i find this to be both good and bad. good in that i'm not asking God things like why do i have to live when i have no purpose and needing to seek in that way, but bad in that why am i not seeking Him now in a deep enough way to have something worth sharing with all of you. i may throw a good quote at you once in awhile, but there aren't things that provoke good, solid conversations.
my time under the cloud of depression was not a spiritual wasteland. God was there through every step of it. it drew me close to Him in a way that nothing else could. father neuner, mother teresa's confessor, once said about her life of darkness, "The sure sign of God's hidden presence in this darkness is the thirst for God, the craving for at least a ray of His light." that was there. desperate and hanging on by a thread, but looking back now, i see that that made it more palpable.
so now my challenge is to get back to that state of desperation for God. not through depression, but through thankfulness. not through a feeling of desolation, but through a feeling of joyful desire to be with and serve the One who has freed me. i cannot take this healing for granted. it needs to be used to draw me closer to Him than i ever have been before.
my time under the cloud of depression was not a spiritual wasteland. God was there through every step of it. it drew me close to Him in a way that nothing else could. father neuner, mother teresa's confessor, once said about her life of darkness, "The sure sign of God's hidden presence in this darkness is the thirst for God, the craving for at least a ray of His light." that was there. desperate and hanging on by a thread, but looking back now, i see that that made it more palpable.
so now my challenge is to get back to that state of desperation for God. not through depression, but through thankfulness. not through a feeling of desolation, but through a feeling of joyful desire to be with and serve the One who has freed me. i cannot take this healing for granted. it needs to be used to draw me closer to Him than i ever have been before.
posted by melilotnfosco | 12:55 AM
6 Comments:
Wow 8 years! I understand the significance of the deep search for meaning, but I have to admit that I like the lighter tone your blog has become. I know it's part of my ISTP personality, Chelley would say, to not be interested in deep thoughts or philosophical discussions. I think I also prefer these post-depression posts because I often did not know what to say in your darker times. I understand now that depression is not something you can be talked out of, and that being present for a friend is more important than having anything to say at all, but you know it's hard to see a friend struggling yet not be able to do anything about it. I guess that's my ISTP coming out again; I'm solution-oriented!
it feels amazing to be lighter, so i'm glad that comes across. it's a testimony to God working in me. and i was looking at an old post in which hobbitsister said something about how i was looking to you all for answers and getting frustrated because the answers you gave weren't what i needed and how that was frustrating in return because there was nothing you could do about it as it all had to be between me and God. so thank you for all for sticking with me through all that. :)
I think your freedom to be lighter is a celebration of what God has done. We're supposed to be lighter. It's in those dark days when we struggle for hope that we cry out and hold tight to every little thing. But when times are better we are supposed to not notice everything anymore.
This isn't making any sense. With Josh right now I am thankful for every breath,every time he is able to focus on me and there is any kind of recognition. But do I want to stay thankful for every breath? Does God want me to have to stay that way? Of course, I will theoretically always be thankful for every breath, but I shouldn't have to live like that. We're not made to live like that. You can grow and learn and love without desperation.
oh, i like being lighter, don't get me wrong. it's a gift. i just don't want to be taking that gift for granted and not be seeking God.
and i'm so sorry for all the you're going through with josh. i'm praying!
Something that helps deepen my faith and make me think and wonder and all that is apologetics. Lewis, Augustine, and even this book I'm reading for church (well, at least the first part), "How Now Shall We Live?"
I'd like to be a less "deep" person sometimes, but then I think the world needs all kinds, and God created me as part of His body. :) There are advantages and disadvantages to all personality types and character traits.
I'm praying for you and Josh too, Kimberly!
i did bad math, i've had to update this - it's been nine years!
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