i'm tired
i'm not really looking for solutions, i'm just getting this out.
i'm tired. i'm tired of looking for a church. for a few years i was feeling out of place at my old one. so i looked for one, which was draining. i found one where the preaching was amazing. and discovered after about six months that there was nowhere for me to get involved. so i'm looking again. i've been going to one that was in my final three last time, as i feel it has some places i can serve and perhaps then meet people as well. but i don't like going. i know that part of it is that i don't like church in general, but i also don't care about these sermons, which for academic me is hard. it's so easy to find reasons to stay home. one of them is that i've been waking up with a headache a lot of the time. i'm starting to wonder if i'm not sleeping well on saturday nights because i'm dreading church the next day.
i'm tired of keeping my heart diligently. it's exhausting.
i'm tired of the emphasis i've felt lately from Christian culture that a woman's not complete if she's not a mother. i know this recent surge of indignant Christian motherhood is related to the planned parenthood thing, but sometimes it feels more like they're condemning people who don't show they value life by creating more of it. and entwined with that is marriage, which is a slightly painful subject for some of us sometimes. i'm tired of it being thrown in my face.
i'm tired of the brandybucks getting together all the time. i love them. but if i'm being honest, i'm tired of them. they smother you with love, which is great, but at the same time, i'm feeling smothered right now.
i realize that this can come off sounding like i'm depressed. i'm not. God healed me of that, and i'm 100% certain it will not return. i'm just tired.
i'm tired. i'm tired of looking for a church. for a few years i was feeling out of place at my old one. so i looked for one, which was draining. i found one where the preaching was amazing. and discovered after about six months that there was nowhere for me to get involved. so i'm looking again. i've been going to one that was in my final three last time, as i feel it has some places i can serve and perhaps then meet people as well. but i don't like going. i know that part of it is that i don't like church in general, but i also don't care about these sermons, which for academic me is hard. it's so easy to find reasons to stay home. one of them is that i've been waking up with a headache a lot of the time. i'm starting to wonder if i'm not sleeping well on saturday nights because i'm dreading church the next day.
i'm tired of keeping my heart diligently. it's exhausting.
i'm tired of the emphasis i've felt lately from Christian culture that a woman's not complete if she's not a mother. i know this recent surge of indignant Christian motherhood is related to the planned parenthood thing, but sometimes it feels more like they're condemning people who don't show they value life by creating more of it. and entwined with that is marriage, which is a slightly painful subject for some of us sometimes. i'm tired of it being thrown in my face.
i'm tired of the brandybucks getting together all the time. i love them. but if i'm being honest, i'm tired of them. they smother you with love, which is great, but at the same time, i'm feeling smothered right now.
i realize that this can come off sounding like i'm depressed. i'm not. God healed me of that, and i'm 100% certain it will not return. i'm just tired.
posted by melilotnfosco | 12:46 AM
8 Comments:
Thanks for sharing that. Maybe this is the lull before the impending epiphany you're going to have? Yes, I'm still praying for you about that :)
thank you. :)
You are really brave to share like this, Mel. Thank you. I hate that you feel the motherhood and marriage stuff being shoved in your face. I felt that way at our old church, both before having a baby and after having one (because I didn't know if I wanted more and "how could I not want a quiver-full" or some such thing). Praying for you to find the right place and for a refreshed spirit in the meantime.
thank you :)
I thought part of this sounded familiar, but not the end, and I haven't commented, so I must not have read it yet. Sorry about that. :/ And you're so faithful about checking mine!
But as for your post, I'll keep praying too. I understand the tired part! I was thinking recently of the song by Michael Buble (and likely others before him) that goes, "She may be weary (women do get weary, wearing the same tattered dress). And when she's weary, try a little tenderness." Sometimes I feel a bit weary by it all. Constant vigilance! is exhausting! (even semi-constant vigilance)
we had chatted some of the first part just before i wrote this. and of course i'm faithful about checking yours - you're interesting and i waste too much time on the computer. a perfect combination (when you write stuff anyway ;) ).
and i agree - even semi-constant vigilance is exhausting. thank you for your prayers. :)
You're very welcome -- thank you for yours! (I meant your prayers, but your interestingness too ;) )
:)
Post a Comment
<< Home