ramblings
a long time ago, on my other blog (http://spoilingpoint.blogspot.com/), i did a post in which i said once again that i wish i had a dream. it wasn't the point of the post, but hobbitsister had some good comments on it anyway:
"you're looking to the rest of us to give you (or open your eyes to) your dream, and i'm afraid we can't do that. yes, we know what you're passionate about. yes, we want to encourage you. but our suggestions fall horribly short, because it's not our dream. i wish i could give you some direction. but if i did, you wouldn't take it. you don't want my dream for you. you want your own dream."
and she's so right. i'm constantly telling you girls that i wish i had some idea of what i want to do with my life or what ministry there is that would fit me. and yet i always balk at whatever you say. i don't mean that in anyway against what you're saying, because i know you girls want what's best for me, but she hit it: i want my own dream.
no matter how badly i wish you girls could solve that problem for me, i know you can't. while you girls may know more about my inside workings than anyone else (because i open myself up a lot more here than i do anywhere else), you don't know the very core of me, nor do you know GOD's will for me. GOD is the only one who does. and i spend no time with HIM. and i feel like i don't know how to anymore and i feel like i don't want to invest in the non-easy answer that HE's going to give me. HE's not going to poof it at me within a week of me starting to read my Bible again. HE's going to make me search, and i don't want to do that. for years i searched and got nowhere. why would i want to bother searching again? seek and ye shall find? really? that may be true for non-Believers, but it sure doesn't feel true for me. i've got the big answer and sometimes it just doesn't feel like HE cares beyond that. yes, sunday school answer, i know HE does. but it just doesn't seem like it.
and yes, in the back of my head, i think back to the time when i was upset and not wanting anything to do with the platitudes of faith, and HE broke through and said, 'I know MY child. Read MY Word.' and i know HE didn't mean that just for that one time. HE gave it to me as a gift for me to look back to and take encouragement from, but sometimes i just want it all to stop and be done and have nothing to do with anything ever again.
"you're looking to the rest of us to give you (or open your eyes to) your dream, and i'm afraid we can't do that. yes, we know what you're passionate about. yes, we want to encourage you. but our suggestions fall horribly short, because it's not our dream. i wish i could give you some direction. but if i did, you wouldn't take it. you don't want my dream for you. you want your own dream."
and she's so right. i'm constantly telling you girls that i wish i had some idea of what i want to do with my life or what ministry there is that would fit me. and yet i always balk at whatever you say. i don't mean that in anyway against what you're saying, because i know you girls want what's best for me, but she hit it: i want my own dream.
no matter how badly i wish you girls could solve that problem for me, i know you can't. while you girls may know more about my inside workings than anyone else (because i open myself up a lot more here than i do anywhere else), you don't know the very core of me, nor do you know GOD's will for me. GOD is the only one who does. and i spend no time with HIM. and i feel like i don't know how to anymore and i feel like i don't want to invest in the non-easy answer that HE's going to give me. HE's not going to poof it at me within a week of me starting to read my Bible again. HE's going to make me search, and i don't want to do that. for years i searched and got nowhere. why would i want to bother searching again? seek and ye shall find? really? that may be true for non-Believers, but it sure doesn't feel true for me. i've got the big answer and sometimes it just doesn't feel like HE cares beyond that. yes, sunday school answer, i know HE does. but it just doesn't seem like it.
and yes, in the back of my head, i think back to the time when i was upset and not wanting anything to do with the platitudes of faith, and HE broke through and said, 'I know MY child. Read MY Word.' and i know HE didn't mean that just for that one time. HE gave it to me as a gift for me to look back to and take encouragement from, but sometimes i just want it all to stop and be done and have nothing to do with anything ever again.
posted by melilotnfosco | 7:46 PM
4 Comments:
Ok, don't hate me.
but I don't think what you are saying is particularly true.
I don't know that God has a specific plan for you life. If He had a specific plan for everyone, I don't think it would include children starving to death before age 5. Yes, yes, sin and all that. I'm just saying I think He would have better things planned for the majority of the population if He was a planner in that way. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't see this as being an issue for Christians in the 3rd world.
And I really don't think that if there was something in the Bible that was going to point us on our way, that God would make it hard to find. That seems mean. And not like God. When God did have specific plans for someone in the Bible, He was usually pretty blunt and obvious about it.
And why must His answer be terrible or hard? He's not usually like that. Sure, he's made someone lay around naked, but that's not likely to happen in Minnesoda. :)
We all think that we have to do something fantastic with our lives. That's simply not reasonable. Not everyone can do something amazing for God. Most of us have to just live for Him, where we are, where we put ourselves.
Yes God loves you, and wants good things for you, but I don't know of anywhere in the Bible where we can say that He means specific plans like a job or degree or even marriage. Especially since we are not Israel of old! Certainly those promises show His character (which would be the whole point of the Bible, yes?) but I think you're wasting your time hoping a specific answer will come. I think God is MUCH more concerned about our relationship with Him, than who we marry or what our job is.
Now I know that I am the egalitarian, crazy liberal Canadian woman friend, but I heard all of this "God will tell you what to do with your life and it's going to be hard" theology growing up and believed it, but I really haven't found any proof of it Biblically. And I don't want to pull the "you're not behaving Biblically" card because that's no reason to listen to anyone- that's just a power trip. I just really want you to think about what you're saying and the implications of God's character. I KNOW you don't think God is mean!!! I hate that you feel like you're are failing God when you're not!!!! HE LOVES YOU! No matter your job, or house, or anything! Certainly He would love to spend more time with you, but as a loving Father, not as some mystery to be solved, or seen as some kind of Machiavellian judge.
Please believe that this is all said in love, and that I'm praying for you and hoping you'll find your answers.
you raise some good points. first off, however, i just want to say that like the title of this post says, these were just ramblings; feelings, not thought out thoughts. sometimes i need to get those out before i implode. :)
ok, now for the rest.
i don't necessarily believe i have to do something fantastic with my life. but i do have to believe there's something more for me than this constant discontent and resignation to a job that i hate because it doesn't use the brain GOD gave me. and i have to cling to the hope that GOD knows what that could be. i have to cling to the hope that HE wants more for me, or i'll see no purpose for my life.
and i have to cling to the hope that HE'll direct me as i have no clue how to change from the state i'm in now.
i agree that HE's more concerned about our relationship with HIM, but if i'm going to have a good relationship with HIM, don't i have to believe that HE cares about the things that matter to me? otherwise things would be pretty ONE-sided, and while by all rights they should be, i don't believe that's what HE wants.
i know (in my head) that HIS answer could very well not be terrible or hard. i know very well that HE might not choose to make things hard to find. however, as i also know that HE could very well make something terrible or hard or hard to find, my heart has trouble believing that HE would choose to make things easy for me. i'm a pessimist/realist/someone who doesn't want to get hopes up because then you can be disappointed. and while i know that hope and faith are intricately woven together and i can't have one without the other, it's just plain one of my struggles, and more than likely will be until i die or the Good LORD returns (amen, come LORD JESUS). i realize that that puts poor implications on GOD's character, but it's a sinful struggle i have. sometimes, no matter how much you know with your head, your heart has trouble knowing it.
like i said back in february...nevermind. i said a lot. i'll just go like this:
http://i-am-a-hobbit.blogspot.com/2011/02/retreat-pt-2.html
I can so relate to a lot of this. And I agree with hobsis. Lots of good writing here. :) And now that I read Kimberly's comment, she has a lot of good writing there too. :) Life is so complicated! Or rather, we're complicated and make it that way.
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