things i hate about me growing up
*i no longer believe in the thought of being 'in love.' i don't know what those words mean. i see no need for them. it would be nice someday to love someone, but 'in love'? i don't really care.
*i no longer believe in dreams coming true. they're just dreams. get over them. why believe they can come true when you have yet to see it happen? dreaming leads to nothing but disappointment. be content where you are. dreams will haunt.
*my wonderful imagination, since about age 16, has been nothing but a curse. no guy is going to sweep me off to new york (with a chaperone, of course) to see the real santa, so that i can tell said santa that what i really want is something to adorn my left hand, and then said santa can give said guy a smile of confirmation so that said guy will know that the adorning of said left hand by said guy on Christmas Eve would be welcomed. and yet i can't stop my imagination from running wild. it sucks. it leads to nothing but a loathing of my state of being, discontentment, and hurt that GOD hasn't provided, and at this point i'm assuming isn't planning on providing, a mr. wonderful or even a mr. decent. then i get sad at GOD, and then i end up having to apologize to GOD for not being content with what HE has given me, because i know HE has given me, and will continue to give me, so much more than i deserve. i am extremely blessed. but the whole imagination thing is a thorn in the flesh that GOD refuses to take away. i hate it.
*i no longer believe in dreams coming true. they're just dreams. get over them. why believe they can come true when you have yet to see it happen? dreaming leads to nothing but disappointment. be content where you are. dreams will haunt.
*my wonderful imagination, since about age 16, has been nothing but a curse. no guy is going to sweep me off to new york (with a chaperone, of course) to see the real santa, so that i can tell said santa that what i really want is something to adorn my left hand, and then said santa can give said guy a smile of confirmation so that said guy will know that the adorning of said left hand by said guy on Christmas Eve would be welcomed. and yet i can't stop my imagination from running wild. it sucks. it leads to nothing but a loathing of my state of being, discontentment, and hurt that GOD hasn't provided, and at this point i'm assuming isn't planning on providing, a mr. wonderful or even a mr. decent. then i get sad at GOD, and then i end up having to apologize to GOD for not being content with what HE has given me, because i know HE has given me, and will continue to give me, so much more than i deserve. i am extremely blessed. but the whole imagination thing is a thorn in the flesh that GOD refuses to take away. i hate it.
posted by melilotnfosco | 5:08 PM
21 Comments:
i'm sorry. i wish i knew what to say.
Oh! now I get what's so different between the two of us. I think I grew up really early.
Beyond that hunny, I don't know what to say except that I am praying for you- that God would work to give you the desire's of your heart- either what you desire now, or the desires He gives you.
Also- you should write!
i should write?
(and these aren't new realizations. they just hit me again thursday night. i've been grown up.)
Growing up does stink. Who wants wisdom? I feel cynical in my old age. Does God really answer my prayers? I dunno... is it worth praying? I just don't know. Then again, maybe that's how He feels but not. How He should feel, I mean, because He should be so disappointed with us and given up and everything, but He isn't. At least, that's what the Bible says. It sure would be nice to see an answer to a big prayer once in a while though, wouldn't it? The other thing that sucks about growing up is of course declining looks... (I'm speaking only of myself here, of course;)
I just read this tonight after I posted my own blog update (http://autosmiler.xanga.com/732475144/life-is-good/) and was shocked at how completely opposite our posts were!
I've lots of thoughts to share, to hopefully eventually help alleviate some of your suffering. But a comment page is hardly the place to do it. On the other hand, these blogs seem to be a closed-circuit discussion forum so it may be the place to share?
Well, I will say this-- the church I'm attending is adamant about a few important, related things that might be missing for you (though I'm not sure since it was a fairly short post for such heavy topics).
One is for everyone to find and use their spiritual gifts in order to help further the cause of Christ. If you don't know what your gift is (because there is no way you don't have a gift; God endowed us ALL with something, which is why we were each uniquely created), then the only way to find out is to serve the church in all the ways possible till you get that feeling of "right"ness. I have lots of material from the course I took about the spiritual gift stuff, so let me know if you want to know more.
Another important thing is to reach out and help those who need it (Matthew 25:31-46), which requires much more than only praying for them. God created us to be His hands and feet. It's related to spiritual gifts, but not the same. This is finding a way to make a functional impact on the needs of others in the world.
And the last important thing I'll mention that I learned from our lead pastor, Bill Hybels, is to be able to listen for and follow whispers/promptings from God, because HE will help you with all those other things mentioned above. I am reading his book now about it, but I have sensed these whispers myself several times before. It's not that I searched for and found them, though; I felt the promptings after being presented with different choices in life, praying about which course of action to take, and following through with those promptings, whether or not I thought it was logical, or what I desired. Most of the time it wasn't what I'd originally wanted, but followed the prompting in the other direction anyway, and as I mentioned in the blog, it's never led me astray. It's having to abandon oneself, despite personalities types that MIGHT hinder (like Moses who said he couldn't lead the people because of his speech skills, or many other examples of biblical people giving excuses for not wanting to take action on something God wants them to do, especially when they didn't understand why). Pastor Hybels wrote, "Tune your ear toward heaven, and he will direct your steps, accompany your path and celebrate your faithfulness one day". (not saying you're not listening to God, just saying God probably doesn't want you to keep letting your imagination run away with you. Your imagination is a blessing, but not when it causes strife. God gave it to you to be channeled outwardly, where it is not about you + a man = happily ever after. Maybe it's writing that book, or being creative with children, or I dunno; it definitely wasn't given to you to dwell on dreams that don't satisfy you or God's will.)
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Speaking of which, I had a chat with an older friend soon after my last breakup. I saved it because it was a truthful and eye-opening reminder. I'll share some excerpts here with you. He said, "the big things of life (marriage, career, children, fulfillment) they are not promised to us. we can only ask for grace... but yeah i wrestled with singleness and loneliness a lot. it's not easy.
for me, i see two different levels on which this issue is to be addressed: practical and spiritual. the practical part involves dealing with your issues, finding the right person, etc. That's important, i had to learn to deal with my anger. the spiritual part is harder. the part where one learns to surrender to God. for me, I had to learn to say to God, it's ok if i never get married. i wouldn't like it, but it's your will. and this is applicable to anything else that we desire. if it's not marriage, it's job, or a thing or a place... it's a good lesson because none of those things completely satisfy us. in a way, God protects us from the potential disappointments in these things when they become idols...
it's the tough question that God always asks us: are you willing to give up your dreams for mine? ...
it really is very internal. that's why following God is so difficult. the narrow road. this is the part where we learn to die to ourselves. and it really is dying
because it's painful. but the promise of God is that when we die to ourselves we are resurrected into something greater.
sometimes as Christians we focus too much on either side: the joy part or the suffering part. but the message of Christianity is both. you have to carry your cross, but there is a reward for that, which is a crown
and the acceptance of God."
Melilot, I pray for you often. I know you have a healthy self-esteem but I still pray that you recognize how beautiful and wonderful you are, how intelligent and funny, how fun and creative, and how utterly lovable you are that you realize, like all of us, that you don't need a man to verify that for you. I also pray that you see and hear what God may be trying to tell you -- I know you have been praying for that too, but there might also have been times that God tried to tell you something or give you opportunities but you didn't know that it was a prompting to do something completely out of your realm of experience, or comfort zone. Because it breaks my heart that you are not content with where you are in your life. You deserve So much bigger and better things, and God SO wants it for you. It just probably takes giant leaps of faith to be one's own agent of change for one's own circumstances.
I hope this didn't seem too preachy or lecture-y but I mean well... I love and pray for you!
listen to auto, mel - all of what she's saying is so true! we're all praying for you and we love you a lot.
er... in case anyone's wondering, that deleted comment in the middle was because I accidentally posted the first section twice.
chelley - while i hate that you feel the same way, i'm so thankful that someone understands.
auto - wow. that's a lot. thank you. i truly do appreciate it. i do think i need to figure out what my spiritual gift(s) is(are). it would be nice to find a way GOD can use it(them). and i do think that would help in other ways (if nothing else, being busier might help distract me from negative thoughts).
as for promptings - i never go out on a limb and follow them because there are never any there.
and i still maintain that my imagination, while valuable growing up as a basically only child, is now a curse. i'm not creative. i just have a wild imagination. i try to control it, and a fair amount of the time i'm successful, but sometimes i just want to escape from reality for a little bit. it's hard.
and as for giving the whole man thing over to GOD, i feel i have (for the most part). i told HIM i will no longer pray for my future husband. the constant saying of 'whoever, ifever he is' was depressing. i told HIM that if he's out there, to just consider it me giving him over to HIM. (and i quietly asked him [if he exists] to be understanding of why his future wife isn't praying for him.)
and i know that nothing but GOD will satisfy me. my head knows that. but that doesn't mean that it never hurts. and i know how to read the verse 'delight yourself in the LORD and HE will give you the desires of your heart.' if you're delighting in HIM, HE will be your desire, and HE will give you HIMSELF. i know that. but sometimes it's hard. and sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me when it's hard. (which is probably sinful as it defeats the purpose, which then makes me feel guilty for the sinfulness of not allowing him to be my ALL-in-ALL.)
and as for me deserving so much bigger and better things, i don't necessarily believe that's true. what i deserve is hell, and i should be thankful for everything that i get that isn't that, and so that is where i should find my joy (not happiness - i don't believe in happiness [which was the thing i forgot to put in this post, now that i think about it]) and contentment.
moral of the story. i liked be little better.
Ugh. so hard. All of it is so hard.
I think it's really wise that you've stopped praying for possible future husband, because you are acknowledging that God didn't promise earthly marriage. Yes between Him and His church- but there's not promise of marriage here on earth, or of a great job for that matter- or of even figuring out your "purpose" here on earth. (and yes, I know that there are a lot of people that will disagree with me on that last one!)
Praying for you. Wishing I could give you a big giant hug while on a walk at Holsby!
And yes, you should write! Now that I'm thinking about it, I actually can't think of anyone more suited to writing!
when i was little i wanted to be an author. i don't have the patience to finish a story, though, and it might not be healthy anyway. (plus they say 'write what you know.' what do i know that would be interesting to anyone?) so that dream has gone the way of my dream of being an ice cream truck driver or a suffragette. not gonna happen.
(but i don't mean that to sound negative or despondent. just realistic.)
well I suppose to do write here.
I was thinking a quirky book about working in a care home or perhaps something about the wonders of Tolkein, or perhaps a "How to read Middle English for dummies."
Not that you'd even ever have to finish a book- it might just be a good creative outlet.
I never thought I'd like editing photographs. I was going to teach. Lo and behold, creating and planning albums helps mediate that "I must create lesson plans" drive in me! I'm feeling much more content now.
Sorry! first line: I suppose you do write here.
meaning that you are already a writer.
just a thought (and yes, i know this isn't what your post was about) - what about volunteering? sometimes we just need to refocus. try www.icanhelptwincities.com
sorry! last line: i liked being little better. :)
Mel...
First of all, I hate it when I manage to rip myself away from the computer for a couple days and miss good conversations. And important ones.
You and I have different hurts, different disappointments - but I can understand some of what you've said here in a big way. And I guess all I have to add to the conversation is this: It sucks. It sucks to have the head knowledge that God is good and gives us what we need and what's best and blah, blah, blah - all the while, feeling the ache in our hearts. It just sucks.
thank you :)
Hi Melilot! I know this is a very delayed response and the subject may have been closed, but I've been meaning to share last last weekend's message with you. And as I searched for it online, I found another one that I thought would be relevant!
http://www.willowcreek.org/mediaplayer/playerHome.aspx?cid=3&id=14
The more recent one is under one titled "Fully Alive" and it's by a pastor who's apparently also a comedian, Ken Davis.
The other one is way at the bottom of the list because it was from August 9-10, 2008. It's under the tab "Necessary Endings". It's the middle one, called "The Ingredients of Growth: Grace, Truth, and Time".
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