thoughts of right now

sometimes - ok, lots of times - days off depress me. i like not being at work. i like that i get to sleep, but i think it's too much time to think. i think it's too much time realizing that i'm alone. it's too much time being discouraged that i can't focus enough to read my Bible or pray, thus not being able either to draw closer to GOD or to stop the negative thoughts. it's too much time spent staring at screens thinking i should do something other than stare at screens. it's too much time realizing that i once had the potential to use my brain and now use it about as much as a stoner. it's too much time wishing i was the kind of person who completed things, like my paper on faramir or the scarf i started for my sister about 4 years ago. it's too much time knowing that i'm not experiencing life, i'm just existing. it's too much.