Book Review (albeit a tad early): "Captivating"
I loved "Wild at Heart," by John Eldredge. So when I heard that he and his wife Stasi had written a "woman's version," I was excited. It has now been sitting on my shelf for a couple years, along with dozens of other Christian books that I don't have the energy to read. I finally decided to be ambitious and try it now, though (actually I started a month or two ago).So far - not impressed. Like I said on Photoqueen's blog, "the first 75 pages are all about how we've been scarred by our abusive/neglectful parents and how we're 'wounded' because of how men have treated us in the past. sorry - but i have a wonderful family and thankfully can't say i've ever really been mistreated by a man (i'm extremely spoiled [blessed], i know)."
Finally getting past that, it seemed like it might be getting better. I'm now on page 128. Still not impressed. With their adamant "we're not like other books" attitude, I had been hoping that they would not be like other books. But now I keep seeing the same old 'JESUS is the only Lover you need, so be happy' bit that I, as a single woman, hear everywhere.
Trying to be inspiring, they said, "A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she's loved. We've seen this many times - you probably have too. Cut off from love, rejected, no one pursuing her, something in a woman wilts like a flower no one waters anymore. She withers into resignation, duty, and shame. The radiance of her countenance goes out, as if a light has been turned off." Sorry - that did not come off as inspiring. That came off as totally describing me and making me more depressed than I was when I started this book.
I'll finish it. I'm hoping they'll come to some grand and profound conclusion that will help me understand that GOD is pursuing me and that that's an amazing honor and just so much more wonderful than I can imagine. For right now, though, I just want to throw the book across the room.
posted by melilotnfosco | 8:52 PM
17 Comments:
if it helps any, busy and i are very anti-"wild at heart". it left our husbands feeling like they were lacking adventure, and we're guessing the book has caused many a mid-life crisis.
and with all due respect to those who do have troubled pasts, i also take issue with those who assume we all are brought up that way. is our family perfect? absolutely not. but we grew up in a God-focused home, where we felt safe and loved.
a friend of mine who'd had a rough childhood once told me "everyone's family is dysfunctional. if someone doesn't see that, they're in denial." sorry, friend. while i understand where you're coming from, that's really not true. and i'm sorry that you don't want to see that some families are very happy.
From what I know, you guys have a GREAT family! That is awesome and such a blessing. Josh and I are busy finding and adopting "normal, functional, joyful" families because when one's own family is crazy, it's easier to believe that everyone's is also like that, that it wasn't just you that got stuck with the crazies. However, I've come to see that that is not true- that many people have great parents, even great parents who are great marriage partners too! (imagine that!) So yes, we're busy adopting!
As for the book, yes- that is where the book goes- and to the extra point that no guy will fulfill that longing and create those results, except the love of our Heavenly Father. (I think that's where it goes at any rate- it's been a while.)
Question- you're not impressed, but feeling like it's describing how you're feeling- how does that work? Or am I reading your comments wrong? I'm confused!
Aw, sorry. I haven't read it, but I think I know what you mean. Some of that stuff just makes you feel so guilty as a single girl! Like it’s wrong to want a guy, because it means you don't love God enough! And I know you can put too much emphasis on a guy rather than God and that a guy can never fulfill you like God can, but plenty of women love God AND their husbands. I don’t think that because they have husbands, it means they love God any less, right? Sometimes I think having a husband would actually help me love God more (or at least learn more about loving in general), but I don’t know if that’s true... and that quote you included just makes me think I'm not beautiful b/c I don't know I'm loved, which (but this is me, & I tend to be a tad pessimistic;) just makes me feel ugly and unwanted and guilty for feeling that way… OK, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. All I know is that some of this advice and "encouragement" sometimes makes you just feel more guilty and discouraged, & I’m not sure it helps (not sure what would though – maybe no societal pressure for one thing?;).
I did like 'The Sacred Romance' though, but it was a while ago when I read it. One thing I liked about it that I remember was how the Bible is a total love letter to us from God. :) He’s a passionate God and passionately in love with us. His love is inspiring. :) (“We love because He first loved us.” – I love that verse:)
Re: the wounded thing, I think some of it can be in our heads too. I haven’t had too traumatic of a life (unless you count no dad & getting teased in middle school;), but I definitely still have wounds and “baggage,” but that’s mostly from myself, I think – how I interpret things, my insecurities, I guess. (not sure if that makes sense either – this is a topic that makes me ramble;)
wow, i'm sorry that was so long!
I don't think that comment was talking about single women in particular. Albiet, I haven't read the book in a good year, but I don't remember that being the point of the whole first section. They're talking about women who, married or not, don't feel loved. There is a major section of the book that talks about the love of our earthly parents and how that is our basis point for how we see ourselves in childhood and possibly later. Yes, husbands also can help us to feel loved for those who are married, but just as often, I would think that one can feel more unloved because of a bad marriage, than if they had never married at all.
On the other point, I really do think it is harder for a married woman to love the Lord as she should (at least in my experience.) Maybe it's just the kids! I rarely have a brain to pray and sadly God is often the last and forgotten thing on a long list of things to do. The last thing God should be is a thing I "need to do!" I really miss those days after Bible School when I wasn't just praying fleeting prayers about potty training and stinky diapers!
But yeah, I'm not wanting to minimize AT ALL what it is to be single. I totally get that I don't get it at all. I just thought I'd put in my two cents from my perspective, since that is what comments are for. :)
Ooh, good point about the loving relationships at all (I usually just think single;)... but I wonder if there are also multiple ways to feel loved? B/c like Melilot said, some people were brought up by a very loving family, but might still feel unloved. I think romantic love, or love in the context in a marriage, seems important in both similar & different ways. I'm not saying that it makes it easier to love or follow God. I know there are more things taking up your time (which also makes me feel guilty for not being better now while I am single! or maybe I'm feeling convicted, not guilty;), but I think the relationship itself can also teach you about the love and intimacy of God. But obviously I don't know for sure. ;) And even with kids -- yes, they take up more of your time & all that, but I also hear from people that they learn more about God's love by having their own kids. As far as missing Bible school, Kimberly, I'm totally with you! Never went, but my college had a lot of opportunities for Christian fellowship, etc. And I miss it too! It's so hard to go from that to "the real world!" And very true about the bad marriage. I would rather no marriage than a bad one! ;) Sorry, that was all over the place, hehe. :)
Revelation: So if you feel unloved/unwanted when you're single, you'll still feel that way when (if) you're married. Because it's really not about that but about understanding/believing that God loves you. But how to do that, that's the hard part. Especially if you have no reason not to (say, no traumatic past) -- I think as humans we want reasons why things or we are a certain way! Especially if it involves placing blame somewhere else. ;) It's not fun to admit it's sin. At the same time, I don't mean that wanting to be married is a sin. I just mean that not feeling loved or not believing God loves you might be. Sigh, this is so baffling sometimes. ;) And that's why I continue to ramble... ;) (disclaimer: talking mostly about myself here)
wow - those are all really good, really long comments for me to comment on!
k - so for starters:
kim - as for me not being impressed, it doesn't feel like it's being understanding of how i feel. it feels like it's telling me that how i'm feeling is either wrong or caused by external sources, neither of which i necessarily believe are true. (if any external source, it's society, esp Christian society, putting so much emphasis on marriage that a single girl can't help but feel that she's unloveable.) i don't need to hear more of that condescending prattle.
chelley - i also feel like if i experienced romantic love, i would have a better understanding of GOD's love for us. HE is the bridegroom, i am the Bride, right? how the heck am i supposed to understand that? all i know of bridegrooms is that they take my friends away from me, and all i know of brides is that they make me pay way too much to be in their weddings. not a positive picture.
and yes, i think you hit it, most of my 'wounds' are from me i think.
i also think that married and single women need to stop saying that the reason we are faltering/not going forward in our walks is because either we are not married or not single. we need to suck it up and spend time with HIM no matter what and be loving HIM with all our hearts.
kim - thank you for being understanding of the fact that you can't be understanding. people saying 'oh i know' when they have no clue gets very old. so thank you for your honesty. :)
that's why i tend to be quiet on the issue, mel - not because i don't care, but because i know i don't understand. and when people pretend to get it but really don't, you're right, it comes across as condescending.
and i hate it when books tell you how you should feel, especially when the author hasn't been in your shoes
oh, and back to my 'dysfunctional' ramble, doesn't that line of thinking lead to the conclusion that we can't offer better to our children? like kim said, even if your past wasn't perfect, you can find Godly people to help you overcome that and break the cycle.
Whew! I have to ditto what hobsis said about staying quiet on this issue. I haven't read the book and I am married, so I wasn't sure how I could respond without sounding insensitive or insincere. A few thoughts now, though...
* Chelley - I think you made a good point. Having a husband will not necessarily make you feel more loved. I think we've talked about that before?
* Melilot - Good for you, resisting condescending prattle. (And double points for using the word, "prattle.") I heard your heart in your original post, and I don't think you should be made to feel bad about being single and your feelings about it.
* Chelley/Mel - I agree about the self-inflicted wounds. I think this has some influence on the dysfunctional family conversation. Because some people might come from seemingly normal/healthy families but because of their own personal experience or perspective, they might feel that same family caused much damage/hurt. Actually, I know that to be true, because that's how I am. My family's a little crazy but at times I've felt as if they were super crazy. You can call it overreacting or being overly dramatic, but it still hurts. Does that make sense?
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photo - thanks for the double points!
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